


Beautiful, Unusual (The Prettiest Thing)

by rensahannou (asmalltigercat)



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Crossdressing, Halloween, James does dumb things sometimes, M/M, Prompt Fill, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:29:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asmalltigercat/pseuds/rensahannou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan likes doctors and scientists and smart people, but what he really likes is girls—so that's what James is going to give him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Harvestfest 2011 at the [palmwoods](http://palmwoods.livejournal.com/) LJ comm. 
> 
> The title, of course, comes from "Time of Our Life," which became the official theme for this story after the first time I paid attention to the lyrics. So thanks for that, Logan ;)
> 
> And forever thanks to [shisoueimin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/shisoueimin) for her help with this ♥  
>  
> 
> This was my prompt:
> 
> "James/Logan: Halloween. James sets out to seduce Logan. He dresses up as a girl with some sort of costume that includes a mask and a way to hide his masculinity (i.e. gorgeous muscles). He plays the part perfectly and wins Logan over, discovering in the process that it's not just his looks that make him amazing--he has a lot to offer personality-wise, too, when he lets down his diva wall. What happens when Logan realizes it's James is up to you, it doesn't even have to be a happy ending (though that would be nice). Bonus points for James trying to sound smart and dancing with Logan (and not awkwardly like in BTProm), and Logan feeling bad for James for being such a "tall" girl."

James knocked on the door of apartment 4J, glancing up and down the hallway as he waited for it to open.

"Hey James!" Camille greeted with a smile a moment later.

"Are you alone?" he asked immediately.

She chuckled softly. "You said you needed to see me privately, right? So yes, I'm alone. What's this all about?"

After looking both ways once more, James moved through the doorway, tugging on Camille's arm as he went. She closed the door and let herself be half-dragged into the living room.

"Well?" she asked expectantly, hands on her hips once James released her.

He looked around the room for any hidden eavesdroppers before leaning in close to whisper, "I need you to make me a girl."

Then he pulled back and stood up as tall as he could, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at Camille, daring her to make fun of him. Not that he actually thought she _would_ , or anything.

Camille's hands dropped to her sides and she stared back in confusion for several long seconds, expression morphing into suspicion as she finally asked "Why?"

"For Halloween," he said.

Her face brightened. "Oh! Okay! What did you have in mind?"

"What do you mean?" James asked.

"Well it's _Halloween_. You can't just be… _Jamie_ ," she said with a wink, and James scowled.

"No, I don't want to look anything like that. I want to be pretty. Well. I want to _stay_ pretty," he corrected. "And…I don't want anyone to recognize me."

Camille's eyebrows shot up at that. "Anyone who?"

" _Anyone_ ," he repeated. "You'll know, because you're helping me, but that's it. No one else."

"Not even—"

" _Especially_ not even," James said. "The guys can _not_ know about this."

Now it was Camille's turn to cross her arms, leaning back slightly to fix James with a scrutinizing look. "Did you guys make some sort of bet?"

James fidgeted for a second, wondering how to answer that. He didn't like the idea of lying to Camille, but if he told her the real reason for all of this she'd probably give him some sort of ridiculous advice like 'You should just talk to him.'

But James knew. This was the only way this could work. He just…couldn't explain that to anyone. People tended to look at him funny when he tried to explain things, anyway. Except for Logan, who usually just sort of smiled and shook his head. James still didn't know whether that meant Logan actually _understood_ , but he figured his genius friend _always_ understood things.

He was counting on it, actually.

"Um…" James said. That was all he could come up with.

"Oh, I see," Camille said, shaking her head but keeping her eyes focused on James. "You want me to help you but you don't want to tell me why."

"It's…a secret," James tried. And it was. Sort of. It was his _own_ secret, but that counted, right?

Camille studied him for a moment, and James tried to maintain eye contact though a part of him wanted to run away. He had to force himself to keep facing forward.

"Okay," Camille finally said. "But James, this won't be easy. You're…well, you're too…" She waved a hand at him.

"Manly?" James supplied with a smug grin.

"Weirdly…yes," she answered. James scoffed at her, offended by his manliness being called 'weird,' but she just rolled her eyes. "James, you're like the prettiest guy I know, right?"

"Of course I am."

"So passing you off as a girl should be _easy_. But we know it's not."

James drew himself back up and puffed out his chest a little, haughtiness in his voice when he answered. "That dress was just all wrong for me."

Camille laughed. "It really was. We're going to have to get creative this time. And we'll have to go _shopping_. Are you free tomorrow?"

"After we get back from the studio, yeah. Usually around five or six."

"Okay, then that's when we'll go. I'll come up with a game plan before then." She wasn't looking at him anymore, eyes already focused into the future, ideas running through her mind. James recognized the look, because he saw it on Kendall all the time.

"Awesome," he said, though he knew she could only half-hear him. "Thanks for doing this, Camille. I'll uh, let myself out now and see you tomorrow?"

"Sure," she answered absently, then turned around and started off down a hallway. "This is gonna be fun, James!" she called out as she went.

Well. James wasn't sure he believed _that_ , but this _was_ necessary. He had to know how Logan felt—had to know how Logan _could_ feel, if he just allowed himself the possibility. He had to know if James Diamond—the…probably imperfect person he was on the inside, not the flawless-but-maybe-too- _male_ person on the outside—could be everything Logan Mitchell wanted.

And how James saw it, this was the only way.

——

It had actually been Carlos's idea. Well, sort of.

It was late September, and they were stuck in the apartment because it was raining. James didn't like bad-weather days in L.A.; they just seemed wrong, somehow. And it was a day off, with nothing forcing either of them out into the bad weather so in the apartment they stayed.

Everyone else was gone. The Knights were having a family-bonding day, which basically meant they were going to a restaurant no one else liked, which made Carlos pout a lot but Kendall promised to take him somewhere for dinner so he was better then. Logan was off at some college lecture, and he had asked them if they wanted to go before he left. Carlos wanted to know what the lecture was about and if there was food involved; the answer to the first question was something long and complicated, the answer to the second was "No," so Carlos lost interest. James considered going for a moment but thought he might end up falling asleep, and falling asleep during some lecture was not a good way to impress Logan.

So James and Carlos spent the middle part of the day playing video games and lamenting the lack of pie in the apartment. When that got boring they played dome hockey, and when _that_ got boring they decided to order some chili-cheese fries and see if the red-shirted girl was by some miracle working there again.

They were sitting around waiting for their fries to be delivered, staring sadly at the rain coating the windows and about to die of boredom when Carlos turned and asked "So, got any ideas for a Halloween costume yet?"

James shrugged. "Haven't really thought about it. You?"

"I dunno. Something cool. Something that will make a girl notice me, maybe."

"Any girl in particular?" James asked, cocking an eyebrow at his friend.

Carlos gave a sad little shrug and looked back out the window. "Not really. What do girls even like, James? What could I dress up as? And don't say _you_ ," he added, glancing back.

"Well, girls _do_ like me," James agreed, tilting his head.

"Yeah but that doesn't help _me_ any." Carlos sighed, sinking further into the couch. "It's like, it doesn't matter how hard I try…none of them ever stick around. If they ever cared in the first place."

James frowned. Rainy days always affected Carlos like this, and James never liked it. He opened his mouth intending to remind Carlos about his dinner with Kendall, hoping to cheer him up, but what came out instead was "Yeah well, try knowing the perfect person for you and being as hot as I am and still not catching his attention."

Carlos looked up at James, wide-eyed. "You like a guy?"

"Why do you look surprised?" It wasn't like this was the first time.

"I dunno, you don't usually talk about guys, I guess? Is it someone I know?"

"It doesn't matter." Now James was feeling all grumpy. Stupid rain.

There was a knock on the door then, and the prospect of chili-cheese fries had Carlos up off the couch and bounding to it in an instant. James watched him go, and could hear the slight disappointment in his voice when their delivery person was, once again, not the red-shirted girl.

"Didn't you get her number?" James asked once the door was closed and Carlos was on his way back to the couch.

"Yeah, but I kind of…lost it?" Carlos sat down with a huff. "She wrote it on like this tiny little piece of paper…whatever, we're not talking about me, we're talking about you and your guy."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are!" Carlos insisted, opening the box and handing James a plastic fork. "What's he like?"

"He's…" James hesitated, shoving a fry in his mouth to stall. How was he supposed to describe Logan to one of his best friends? "He's hot. And…funny? And—" _Smart_ , was the next word on the tip of his tongue, but that was saying too much.

"No," Carlos interrupted before James could come up with something else. "I mean, what _does_ he like?"

"What?" What did that have to do with anything?

"Dude," Carlos said through a mouthful of fries. "The Halloween party that Kendall is totally going to talk Gustavo into letting us have? If you know what he likes, you can dress up as that and then make sure he comes to the party, and he won't be able to resist you."

James frowned again, considering this, and took another bite of food. _Doctors_ , he thought. _Logan likes doctors. And scientists. And smart people. But that doesn't matter, because what Logan really likes is girls._ His eyes went wide.

"Oooh, you just thought of something!" Carlos said excitedly.

And he had.

"Hey Carlos?" James said nonchalantly, scraping some cheese off the side of the box with a fry.

"Yeah buddy?"

"You just might be a genius."

Carlos grinned, and James grinned back.

_Girls_ , James thought as he stabbed more fries. _Logan likes girls._

But now, that thought didn't fill him with the same sort of hopelessness it always had before. Now…James had a plan.

——

"Why can't I be a pirate?" James watched himself in the dressing room's full-length mirror as he lightly swished the skirt back and forth.

"Because pirates don't wear long skirts," Camille explained, and through the reflection he could see her eyeing him critically. "And you need a long skirt. Plus if I give you a sword you'll be swinging it around everywhere and totally blow your cover."

James huffed and crossed his arms. "I'd make a hot pirate," he muttered.

"Pirates also don't wear masks," she went on, "and if you don't want to be recognized then you _definitely_ need a mask."

"I know, I know," James sighed. They'd been over all of this already. But some of the clothes she'd been having him try on reminded James of pirate movies, and being a pirate—even a girl pirate—might have actually been _fun_.

And okay, if James was being _totally_ honest, this whole thing had been kind of fun so far anyway. A little. It was mostly Camille's fault; she was just fun to hang out with. And she had gotten _really_ into the whole 'dress James like a chick' thing, with a constant drive and enthusiasm that was catching. She never seemed to tire of dragging him into one more thrift store or costume shop or second-hand boutique, making him try on skirts and blouses and dresses and…other things that James never thought he'd be wearing willingly.

James still thought he looked more ridiculous than anything else in the women's clothing Camille made him put on, but he trusted her to know what she was doing and work some sort of magic on the finished product.

"Since the skirt's gonna cover my legs that means I don't have to like, shave them or anything, right?" he asked, side-eyeing Camille as she circled around behind him.

"I guess you don't _have_ to," she said without looking away from his clothing, "but it would be a good idea."

James made a face. "Why?"

"Because what if you're dancing or just sitting down and part of your leg is exposed? If it's all hairy you're going to give yourself away. You need to _be_ your character, James."

At some point along the line Camille had decided James would be playing a 'character' for this Halloween party. It was a good idea so James let her run with it; he did need a name and some sort of backstory if he wanted to pull this thing off.

But beyond that, he wasn't planning on lying. Not any more than he needed to to make Logan think he was a girl. Because he wanted Logan to like _him_ , not some role he was playing. He didn't want to make himself perfect for Logan; he wanted Logan to realize he already was.

Or something. At this point James was too preoccupied with the whole becoming-a-chick thing to worry about the rest of his plan. It would all fall into place at the party.

"If I shave my legs everyone's gonna make fun of me, Camille," James told her, and he definitely wasn't pouting when he said it.

"What makes you think that?" Camille asked, meeting his eyes in the mirror.

…Okay maybe he _was_ pouting. "Because they already have."

"What? You've shaved your legs before?"

" _No_ ," James said, turning quickly to face her and trying to ignore the weird way the skirt twirled when he did. It was threatening to give him prom flashbacks. "When they were doing that reality show before and trying to kick one of us out of the band I kind of…said Carlos shaves his legs. So he would get kicked off. And then he said the same thing about me, and said I have 'girl legs.'"

Camille stared at him for a second. "James," she said finally, "that's the _point_. We _want_ you to have girl legs!"

"Well I don't want people laughing at me!" James shot back, crossing his arms.

She sighed. "They're not going to laugh at you, James. They're going to be totally jealous of how pretty you are. Okay?"

He frowned at her for a second before reluctantly saying "Okay." He had to trust her, right?

Camille beamed at him, and that made him feel a little better. "Good, now try on this top."

After James had tried on what had to be every piece of clothing that would fit him in the whole entire store, they took a trip through the shoe section and Camille gasped. "Put these on," she said, shoving a pair of boots at him.

He did, and James thought it was pretty cool that they fit until he saw the way Camille was staring at him in them. Like…a vulture? Was that the bird that looked at things all creepily?

"Change of plans," she said, and her smile was bright but there was a definite air of 'evil genius' in her expression. "Take those off and bring them; we're finding more things for you to try on."

James did as he was told—it was the only safe option—and soon realized that no, there was actually a freaking ton of clothes left for him to try.

All told it took them about a week to get the outfit together. They also got him a wig ("I want hair that's pretty like yours," James had said, and Camille had blushed and found him something longish with tight waves, a few shades lighter than her own dark brown) and colored contacts ("Your eyes are too unique, James," she had said, and picked out a nice blue-green for him), and when Camille had him all dressed up and put makeup on him James quite literally did not recognize himself.

"…That's me?" he asked, staring in disbelief at a full-length mirror in Camille's apartment.

"It is," she said, grinning. "Now onto phase two."

"…Phase two?"

"Yep. I've done the impossible and made you _look_ like a girl, now _you_ have to do the impossible and try to act like one."

From then until the day of the party, most of James's free time was spent with Camille in what she called "rehearsals." She had _so many_ things to teach him, and while she didn't make him wear the full outfit for it she did make him wear the skirt and button-up shirt with the long, slightly poofy sleeves so he would "get used to them."

…And okay, so maybe James didn't exactly _hate_ these sessions. Camille treated it like he was studying for a role, and when James thought about it that way too it made him proud of himself when he got something right. It wasn't easy, either: learning to talk in a weird girly voice and then learning to make it _not_ sound weird; learning how to hold himself completely differently when he walked; learning to control his facial expressions and not look so…what was the word Camille used? Pretentious? He'd have to ask Logan what that meant later. But anyway, it was hard, learning how to be a chick.

Probably the worst part was the dancing. When Camille brought it up James was excited; dancing was something he could do, and dancing with Camille should have been fun. And at first it was, because at first she let him dance normal, and instructed him to pay careful attention to the way _she_ was moving. They went through one slow song, James feeling really weird dancing in a skirt, and then she said "Okay, now show me what you've got."

"What?" James asked as the next song started playing and she repositioned his hands.

"You have to be able to dance like a girl, James," she told him, placing her hands on his waist.

James looked down at her, blinking, his arms resting on her shoulders. This was all _kinds_ of weird.

"I'm too tall," he said.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Tall girls can't dance?"

"Well, I mean, sure they can, but…" James trailed off, and felt his lips turn down in an involuntary pout. "I feel silly."

"Hey, at least I'm not making you dance a fast song, alright? It would take you another month to learn how to do that like a girl."

"I'm a great dancer!" he shot back immediately.

"Yeah, but that's part of the problem," Camille said, and tried to sway him a little with her hands on his sides. He didn't budge. "You would have to _unlearn_ everything else first, and that would probably mess up your band routines too, and…it would just be a mess."

"I don't think they even play slow songs at Halloween parties."

"Well I'll make sure that they do, okay?"

James's pout deepened. "What even makes you think I want to dance with anyone?"

"You're going to go a whole night with music playing and not dance at all?"

"Not if I can't dance the way I want to! Camille I feel _ridiculous_ like this, I'm so much taller than you!"

She made a face like she was thinking hard about something. Then she tilted her head to the side. "Well I could always ask Kendall to come help you."

James took two fast steps backward and gave her his most offended of expressions. "That's not even _funny_!"

"I thought it was," she said with a smirk. "Look, James, I'm not going to force you to dance at the party, but you might want to, okay? And if you do, won't you want to know how?"

He was back to pouting when he had another prom flashback—but this one wasn't so nightmarish. "Can I learn the fancy dancing you were doing at prom?"

Camille blinked, then gave him a mischievous smile. "I dunno, James Diamond, _can_ you?"

He didn't even have to think about it. "Hell yeah I can."

But Camille made him master the basics first; the silly swaying back and forth that teenagers liked to pass off as actual dancing, and the simple holding-hands-and-moving-in-an-easy-pattern kind of slow dancing before they worked their way up through some more complicated moves. She would demonstrate the girl's part of a dance to him first, and make him practice it over and over before they tried it together. And she made it look so easy and it _wasn't_ , not at all, but she was pretty when she danced and dammit James was going to dance pretty like that too.

So he didn't give up, and he didn't lose focus, and when he got back to the apartment after these sessions and one of the guys would ask where he'd been he would say "Working out," because that's more or less what it was. What it felt like, anyway.

James hated that he wasn't getting to spend as much time with his best friends since he was spending it all with Camille, but he did see them at school and the studio and in the mornings and at night so it wasn't _so_ bad, really. And this was just till Halloween, anyway. After that things would go back to normal, except if James played this right and there was any chance Logan could ever feel the way James wanted him to then…maybe things would be even _better_ than normal.

——

The time until the Halloween party (that Kendall had indeed talked Gustavo into having for them) seemed to crawl along in an exhausting whirlwind of skirts and high-pitched voices but when the day finally dawned James felt like he was so unprepared he might as well have just asked Camille for her help yesterday. He texted her almost as soon as he woke up.

_'camille i cant do this what the hell made me think i could do this'_

James clutched his phone until it buzzed in his hand.

_'James you will be the prettiest girl in the land and everyone will want to dance with you and get your phone number and you'll be breaking so many hearts when you tell them you're only in for the weekend.'_

He wanted to smile at that but what if she was wrong?

_'what if ur wrong?'_

Then he waited, and waited, and waited, and—

_'Then you tell everyone you lost a bet with me and this was your punishment. If they laugh at you I'll kick their butts, James.'_

The corner of James's mouth twitched up a little and he wondered why Camille was so awesome. She had done all of this for him and after that first day never again asked why.

He also wondered if getting her help in trying to seduce her ex-boyfriend made him kind of a jerk, but…too late for that now?

_'thanks camille, ur the best cousin ever ;)'_

That was his established 'role': Camille was going to say James was her cousin from out of town, visiting L.A. for Halloween weekend. He was a first-year college student and he was majoring in drama (Camille said it should be something he knew about already, but she shot down his idea for music 'cause she didn't want him trying to sing like a girl). He was 18 years old and his name was Jade.

And he liked smart boys who wanted to be doctors and had really nice smiles and hopefully didn't mind being the shortest person in a relationship.

(James's name as a girl had been a point of argument between him and Camille. She had suggested several girly names that started with 'J' but he shot them all down as being silly—he wasn't a princess, 'Jasmine' was not appropriate—or too plain—who cared if 'Jane' sounded sort of like 'James'—so then he had said they should try focusing on his last name instead. But Camille absolutely refused to let him call himself 'Sapphire,' which had resulted in a bit of a fit on both their parts until one or maybe both of them had shouted out 'Jade!' And that, luckily, fit everyone's criteria and how awesome were they to have come up with it?)

It occurred to James he should probably have a more concrete plan than 'spend the whole night with Logan' but he knew Logan, right? So he could just figure things out as he went along. His main objectives were simple:

1) Make Logan want him (as Jade)  
2) Find out if Logan really _did_ want him (as James)

The first one should be easy. James had seem himself in costume and yeah he was a tall girl but you know who else is tall? Models, that's who. James could be a fucking model. And the boots Camille was making him wear only barely had heels so at least he didn't have much extra height to worry about.

The second one, though…how was he supposed to find out if Logan had ever thought about him in a more-than-friends sort of way? He would have to improvise on that one.

But even if the answer was 'no' James could change Logan's mind, right? Once he fell for James as a girl…he would see how amazing and perfect dude-James was too, right?

If not, this was going to be a really crappy night.

When his phone buzzed again, James looked down to see another message from Camille.

_'And don't you forget it. We're gonna rock this party, Jade'_

James grinned. They would. Camille had done a great job on his costume, had taught him everything he needed to know…and within the next 24 hours James would be in a relationship with the only person worth being in one with.

What could go wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

Halloween was not Logan's favorite holiday, especially since hitting high school and growing out of trick-or-treating. He didn't have anything against it, per se, but the whole ghouls-and-goblins thing had never been something he could really get into.

He did like the candy, though. He kinda missed that part.

The dressing up wasn't such a big deal; he and his friends donned costumes on a semi-regular basis. But those costumes were mostly Kendall's idea, so Halloween was actually kind of stressful because Logan had to come up with something on his own, and with no context for it. He wasn't participating in some crazy plan, he was just going to a party or whatever and so the options were limitless.

Carlos and James always gave him suggestions and sometimes those were helpful, but this year Carlos kept asking Kendall and Logan for ideas because he wanted to impress a girl, or…impress _every_ girl, or something. And James…hadn't really been around much? He would disappear when they got back from the studio and then reappear later in the night, and usually he would say he'd been working out but this seemed a little excessive even for James.

If it were anyone else Logan might have thought he was secretly dating someone, but James wasn't the type to keep anything like that a secret. He also wasn't the type to date someone continuously for so long. Maybe they were different someones? But again, he would be bragging, not hiding that.

Unless he was dating a guy? A guy who didn't want anyone to know about it?

Logan didn't want to consider that possibility, though. It was easy sometimes to forget James was even into guys because he hardly mentioned it and spent 99% of his time chasing girls, and it was hard for Logan to think about anyway because of his own unresolved issues in the areas of sexuality and, well, James.

But whatever, the real issue was that apparently Logan was being left to fend for himself this Halloween. A week before the party he still had no ideas so he caved and went to Camille for advice. He hadn't seen her much around lately either, but she was probably off rehearsing or auditioning or doing other Camille-things.

"Hmm," she said when he asked, and cocked her head at him for a moment. "I think James said something about being a pirate. That's a simple costume, and you'd look hot. Then you two could match, wouldn't that be cute!"

Logan felt himself blush and hoped she would just assume it was because she had called him "hot" and "cute" all in the same breath. Part of it was.

"You think I could pull off a pirate?" He didn't really have any other ideas anyway. He also kind of wondered how Camille knew what James was going as for Halloween, when he hadn't breathed a word of it to Logan, or the other guys as far as he knew.

"Oh totally," Camille said, waving a hand. "Or—wait, hey, I've got something even better! My cousin's going to be here for the party, and we're going for sort of a Wild West theme, so you could do that too. Like…a sheriff." Her face got all animated when she said it, and Logan didn't know if he should be scared or not. "Yeah, definitely a sheriff. Or a pirate. You pick. I'll send you some links to costume idea sites, okay?"

"Okay, thanks," he told her with a smile.

Logan diligently read through the links Camille sent him and ended up finding most of the stuff he needed for either costume in his own clothes. The thought of him and James having matching outfits was…compelling, so Logan tried to ask James if he wanted to go get the finishing touches for their costumes one day after they left the studio, but James just brushed him off saying he had "somewhere to be."

So Logan decided he'd be a sheriff.

——

It was unusual for the guys to not tell each other what they were going as for Halloween, but somehow this year it never came up. Carlos seemed to be undecided up till the last minute, and then didn't want to say anything because it would ruin the costume's coolness factor, or something. Kendall spent a lot of time helping Carlos, and Logan wondered more than once if he even had a clue what he'd be wearing himself. And no one knew what the hell was up with James.

Gustavo was letting them have the party at the studio and Kelly had even said she'd find them a DJ, on the condition that they take care of everything else themselves. So on the morning of the party they headed over to the studio not long after breakfast to get things set up. Lucy came with them to help, which surprised Logan a little. Camille had said she would like to, but she needed to go pick her cousin up from the airport.

"I wonder if Camille's cousin is as pretty as she is," Carlos mused while they were hanging up decorations. "Did you ever see a picture, Logan?"

"Dunno," Logan told him. "I've seen some pictures of her family but I don't know who all of them were. And she didn't tell me her cousin's name or anything. Actually, I don't even know if the cousin's a girl."

"I know a little about her," James said. Logan spun around to see him and Kendall carrying in chairs. How the hell did James know anything about Camille's cousin?

"Really?!" Carlos spun too, nearly falling off of the stepladder he was on. "Is she pretty?"

James shrugged. "I haven't seen any pictures either. I just know she's in college or something, and she's into acting, like Camille."

"Oh great," Kendall said, dropping down into one of the chairs he'd brought in. "So that means we're going to be dodging slaps from some crazy new chick all night?"

"'Crazy new chick'?"

They all turned at the sound of Lucy's voice. She had just walked into the room carrying more decorations, but now she was giving Kendall a funny look.

"Oh, not you," he told her with a smirk.

"Camille's cousin," Logan explained.

"Oh, you mean Jade?" Lucy asked. "Why do you guys think she's crazy?"

"You know about her?!" Carlos hopped down from his ladder and rushed over to Lucy. "What does she look like? What does she like? Does she like puppies?"

Kendall flung a hand out in exasperation. "You are not dressing like a puppy, Carlos!"

"I _know_ that, Kendall, but I still wanna know. If she likes puppies she can't be too crazy, right?"

"I…have no idea if she likes puppies," Lucy said, giving Carlos an even funnier look. "Camille just told me her name and that she's going to pick her up from the airport today, and that they're wearing matching costumes."

"Is she moving out here?" Kendall asked, looking daunted by the idea.

"No, she's just here for the weekend."

"But is she _hot_?" That was James, distracted for the moment from his task of setting up the chairs, and looking at Lucy expectantly. Carlos nodded at the question.

"How am I supposed to know?" Lucy looked from one of them to the other. "And it's not like you guys won't be seeing her in a few hours anyway. Learn some patience."

"Yeah, good luck with that," Logan muttered, then went back to work. Everyone else soon followed suit.

Except, when they decided to take a break for lunch, they noticed they were short one person.

"Where's James?" Kendall asked, looking around.

"Didn't he go to get tape or something?" Lucy said.

Logan furrowed his eyebrows. "Yeah, but that was like 20 minutes ago."

"I bet he went to meet Camille's cousin!" Carlos said suddenly, punching his palm and looking towards the door like it had personally offended him.

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Whatever, let's get some food."

Kendall managed to convince Carlos that lunch was more important than storming off to confront James, and as the three of them left the room Logan pulled out his cell phone to text their responsibility-shirker of a friend.

_'Not cool of you to run off like that, J. We're all supposed to be helping with this, remember?'_

He hit the 'Send' button with a scowl, and headed out to follow the others. Logan's phone didn't beep until they were halfway through their meal, and he read the text with a frown.

_'hey were mostly done already. I had things 2 do. c you at the party just look for the hottest 1 there ;)'_

"That James?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah." Logan didn't bother to send a reply before he shoved his phone back in his pocket. "I don't think we can expect any more help out of him."

"We're almost done anyway," Kendall said with a shrug.

"That's not the point," Logan and Carlos both told him.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with the two of them complaining about James's absence, until finally Lucy said she'd had enough and she needed to get ready anyway so she took off. Not long after that Kendall declared the room complete, and they all headed back to the Palm Woods to get into their costumes.

When they got there, James was nowhere to be found.

——

"Where the hell are you?"

"Hello to you too, Logan."

Logan rolled his eyes. He was standing in the living room, fully dressed in his costume, waiting for Kendall and Carlos to finish getting ready. James still hadn't shown up.

And okay, it didn't really _matter_ where James was. Logan was just pissed.

"Carlos thinks you ran off to meet Camille's cousin. Whatever, I get that, but you better not skip out on this party and don't even _think_ about skipping out on the clean-up like you did for the set-up today."

James huffed into the phone. "What makes you think I'd ever skip out on a party? Especially one of my own? What kind of a Party King do you think I am?"

"The kind that lets other people do all the work while he spends time with hot girls." That might have sounded a little harsher than intended.

"I'm getting ready for the party right now, _okay_? I'll be there."

"What do you mean you're getting ready? You're not even at the apartment!"

"I had…things to do…somewhere else," James said. "But I _will_ be at the party. Man. Like I'd let you guys have all the fun."

"No, you just let us put up decorations by ourselves and buy party snacks by ourselves and get stuff for our costumes by ourselves."

…Logan hadn't _actually_ meant for that last one to be out loud.

He could practically hear James working it out in his head. Then: "Really, Logan? That's what this is about? You're upset I wouldn't go _shopping_ with you?"

"Of course I'm not upset!" Logan tried to think of something to say, but before he could come up with a decent lie he heard the truth coming out instead. "Why would I care that you've been all mysteriously busy lately and never hang out with us anymore? Why would I care you're _obviously_ lying when you say you've been working out all the time? Why should it matter I had to go to _Camille_ for help with a Halloween costume because my best friend had _better_ things to do?" Logan was yelling by the end of it and clamped his hand over his mouth when he realized.

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. "Logan…you could have asked me for help."

"When?" Logan asked, caught between anger and embarrassment and feeling ridiculous for both. "We hardly see you anymore. And I _did_ ask you and you blew me off."

James sputtered and stuttered before saying "Well, that's—I mean, I didn't—"

"Whatever, James," Logan said with a sigh. "It's not a big deal, okay? But if you try to weasel out of helping us clean up after this stupid party we're going to drag your ass to the studio and make you do it all yourself. Got it?"

"Yes, sir," James said, and there was an attempt at mocking in his tone but mostly he just sounded meek and subdued. It stunned Logan into silence as he looked around the empty room for witnesses to what had just happened.

Vaguely, Logan wondered if this tiny thrill was how Kendall felt when people did what he told them.

"Hey," James went on, his voice trying to reassert its normal levels of friendly smugness, "we'll hang out tonight, okay? I'll help you get a date, if you want."

Logan rolled his eyes. He hadn't needed James's help to get a date in over a year. "Won't you be too busy flirting shamelessly with Camille's cousin?"

James chuckled softly. "Nah, she's not really my type. Might be yours, though."

"Wait, so you _did_ leave to go meet her?" Logan asked, eyes wide. Before James could answer there was the thundering of footsteps and Logan's phone was snatched out of his hand.

"James!" Carlos bellowed into the phone. "You do _not_ get to call dibs on the New Girl just because you are a cheating cheater who ran out on his friends to go meet her first!"

Logan blinked at Carlos, at first too distracted by this sudden intrusion to pay any attention to what his friend was wearing. Then Kendall walked into the room, and Logan looked from one to the other as Carlos's tone changed and he finished up the conversation with "Oh okay, I'll tell him! Bye James!" and tried handing the phone to Logan.

"James says he's your wingman tonight and you should be ready to have the time of your life," Carlos told him with a grin.

"Weren't you just pissed at him?" Kendall asked with a sidelong glance at Carlos.

Carlos shrugged. "He said he's not into Camille's cousin like that. And that she's too tall for me anyway," he added with a frown.

"That's stupid," Kendall said. "No one is 'too tall' for anyone. Don't listen to him, Carlos."

"No, he's probably right," Carlos replied, still frowning. "James would know. Logan, dude, take your phone back!"

"You're pirates," Logan said instead, staring at both of them in disbelief. Then he started laughing.

"Why is that funny?" Kendall asked, and Logan could hear the eyebrow-raise in his voice.

"See Kendall! I knew pirates were lame! I should have just gotten the corn dog costume." Carlos sounded somewhere between frustrated and disappointed.

"No, no, it's not that," Logan said, trying to fight back more chuckles. The image of Carlos in a corn dog costume wasn't helping. "I'm just glad _I_ decided not to be a pirate. Camille said James was going as one, and if we _all_ matched…"

"Oh," Carlos said, but his face stopped midway to a smile and reverted back to the frown. "Wait. _James_ is going to be a pirate? Kendall! No one's going to think _my_ pirate costume is cool if James is wearing one too!"

"Yes they _will_ , Carlos." Kendall was obviously trying to be reassuring and not completely exasperated. Logan commended him for the effort. "And look, I _bought_ the corn dog costume for you, okay? So if you get to the party and decide you don't want to be a pirate you can change."

The news transformed Carlos's expression immediately. "You did?! And you're gonna bring it?"

Kendall smiled back at him. "Yes, and yes, but you have to give the pirate thing a try first, okay? After all, what's a captain without his first mate?"

Logan giggled a little at that. Kendall gave him a brief 'shut up' glance, but Carlos didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, you're right," he said, nodding, "we're a _crew_ so we're cooler than James anyway. Don't let him join our crew, Kendall."

"No chance. Crew members don't bail out on party set-up."

"Exactly," Carlos agreed.

"Can we like…go, now, guys?" Logan asked, afraid if this went on any longer he'd be giggling again. Giggling was unbecoming of a sheriff.

"Yeah, let's go!" Carlos said with a grin. "Oh, and awesome cowboy costume, Logan."

Logan scoffed. "I'm not a _cowboy_ , I'm a _sheriff_."

Carlos and Kendall both gave him scrutinizing looks. "Where's your star, then?" Kendall asked.

"My—" Logan's mouth dropped open. He didn't buy a stupid sheriff badge. "Dammit! I forgot."

Kendall laughed, but Carlos shrugged. "Oh well, you're still a cool cowboy. Okay come on!" He grabbed Logan and then Kendall and herded them both to the door.

_Well_ , Logan thought, with the slightest hint of trepidation, _Camille won't be upset that I forgot the badge, right?_

——

They arrived back at the studio about a half-hour before the party was scheduled to start and found Lucy waiting for them. No James, but Logan wasn't really surprised.

"Took you guys long enough," Lucy said after they walked in the room.

"Hey, we're here in plenty of time," Kendall countered. "No one has shown up yet, right?"

Before she could answer, Carlos shouted out "Sailor Moon! Awesome!"

Logan and Kendall both looked at him, but Carlos didn't seem at all embarrassed about his knowledge of girly cartoon characters—or rather the _admission_ of that knowledge, since it wasn't like Logan didn't recognize the costume himself—as he grinned in excitement at Lucy.

"Sailor Mars, actually," she said, with a hint of a smile at Carlos, before answering Kendall's question. "No, they haven't, but the DJ's already here and this is your party, not mine, so I shouldn't have to deal with her."

"Her?" Carlos asked, swiveling around to find this mysterious 'her.' "Ah! She looks close to our age, right?"

Kendall rolled his eyes and sighed a little but Logan knew better than to think he was annoyed. "Come on Carlos, let's go talk to her."

Logan crossed his arms as they left. "Okay, we'll set out the food and drinks…was there any other last-minute stuff we needed to do?"

"Again, not my party, cowboy. I'm just _helping_."

"I _know_ that," Logan said, shooting a mild glare at Lucy. "I was just thinking out loud. Will you _help_ me get the snacks ready?"

"Lead the way, partner," she said in a slight drawl.

"Yeah that's gonna get old fast."

Lucy chuckled as they left the room. "So who are you trying to impress with that costume anyway? Camille, or her cousin that no one's seen?"

"No one," Logan answered with a shrug. "Camille suggested a sheriff, and I just didn't have any better ideas."

"Don't sheriffs have those shiny star badges?"

"I forgot okay!"

"Camille also suggested a pirate," Lucy said, an undoubtedly-smug smile in her voice. "Is that where Kendall and Carlos got the idea, or were they going along with James?"

Logan wondered how and why this topic of conversation ever came up between the two girls, and how many _other_ things they had discussed about Logan and his friends. That thought was a little…disconcerting.

"James hasn't told any of us anything about his costume," Logan said, trying not to sound bitter. "I heard about it from Camille, and no, I didn't say anything to the other guys. I don't know if they heard it from her themselves or just decided on their own. Does it really matter?"

"Nope, just curious. I find the four of you being so codependent mildly interesting."

" _Actually_ ," Logan began, before launching into an explanation of codependency and how he and his friends did _so_ not fit the clinical definition.

Because okay, maybe the comment had been made before and maybe Logan had looked up the information to see if it was true. He had been relieved to discover it wasn't.

Well…it _mostly_ wasn't.

Logan's psychology lecture lasted until they returned to the party room and it was ended by an abrupt "Okay Logan, I _get it_!" from Lucy before she hurried off to set up the refreshments table.

"You were the one who brought it up!" he called after her.

"Well I won't make that mistake again, believe me!" she yelled back over her shoulder.

Logan wasn't really _looking_ , but as he followed Lucy to help out, he noticed James still wasn't there.

——

"Have you seen James yet?"

The party had been well underway for a good 20 minutes now, and Logan had been vacillating between ignoring the absence of 1/4 of their group in order to have a good time and letting himself get good and frustrated all over again.

James had _said_ he would be there, and they were delving dangerously close to the area of broken promises now.

"Nope, I haven't," Kendall answered. Logan had caught him on a trip to the snack table; Kendall seemed to be having an excellent time so far. "Why don't you just text him?"

Logan's eyebrows scrunched up. "He said he would be here."

"Then I'm sure he'll be here," Kendall said in a way that wasn't at all as reassuring as it could have been. "Oh hey, Camille's here! And…I guess that's her cousin?"

Logan turned around to follow Kendall's gaze. For a second he was surprised Kendall had recognized Camille; but even with her face half-covered her hair gave her away. And her eyes, when Logan saw them. Her mouth and nose were covered with a bandana, giving her the appearance of some kind of bandit…except she was dressed like a saloon girl, or something. A maroon-and-black dress that was tight at the top with ruffles and frills below, fishnet tights and heels…

The oddness of the mask aside (Logan was sure she had some explanation for it as a carefully-constructed part of her character), Camille was stunning. Not that she wasn't always pretty, but when she went all-out like this—well, Logan just hoped she didn't decide to fixate on him that evening. He didn't need to get dragged into _that_ mess again.

"She looks good," Logan said nonchalantly.

"They both do," Kendall added. "Although wow, Carlos was right about the cousin being tall. Still not 'too tall' for him, but…yeah, tall."

The girls were moving into the crowd a little now but Logan could still see them, especially since—woah, yeah, Camille's cousin—Jade, Lucy had said her name was—was _really_ tall.

_Maybe that's why James said she's not his type_ , Logan thought with a slight shake of his head. _Shallow bastard._

Although considering James had said before that _Camille_ wasn't his type and Camille was like, the prettiest girl Logan knew, James's 'type' was sort of suspect anyway.

Besides being tall, Jade seemed rather pretty herself. She was also wearing one of those bandana masks so it was hard to tell for sure, but she had long hair like Camille's, a little lighter and not as curly. And blue eyes, maybe? From this distance and angle all Logan knew was that they weren't brown. Logan's guess for her costume was a cowgirl, what with the tall boots and the skirt and the long overcoat. She also had on a vest that was about the same color as Camille's dress, which also matched both of their bandanas.

The whole bandana thing was tripping him up. He'd have to ask Camille about that. And while he was at it, he could ask if she'd seen James. She had earlier in the day, right?

"Hey, I'm gonna go—"

"Ask Camille where James is?" Kendall finished for him with a knowing glance.

" _Someone_ has to have seen him," Logan muttered, hoping that was just heat from the party and not a blush creeping up his face. "If he doesn't show up to this thing I'm gonna kill 'im."

"Not if Camille kills you first for not having a badge. Better come up with an excuse before you head over there."

"Dammit!" Logan had forgotten about that again.

"Good luck, my friend—oh wait, I'm a pirate. Um…fare thee well, me matey!" Kendall gave an exaggerated eyebrow raise as he said it.

"Aye-aye, cap'n," Logan replied, tipping his hat.

Kendall's shoulders slumped. "Logan. That is not something an Old West sheriff would say."

"Oh." Logan thought about it for a second. "…Yeah I got nothin'."

"Me either." Kendall shrugged. "Oh shit, Carlos is probably trying to talk to girls like a pirate. I gotta go find him."

Kendall took off, Logan shaking his head in amusement before trying to relocate Camille. It was easier to find her cousin first; Camille was right next to her and—oh hey, they were talking to Carlos. Logan headed over, but before he reached them Kendall had swooped in and hauled Carlos off.

"Let me guess, he was talking like a pirate?" Logan asked with a smile as he got close.

"I think he was trying to, at least," Camille said, and he could tell from her eyes she was smiling back. "Hi Logan! You make quite a dashing sheriff, although you seem to have forgotten your star badge."

"I _know_ ," Logan groaned. "Everyone keeps pointing that out to me."

"Well, lucky for you _someone_ came prepared." Camille winked at him, and Logan followed the movement of her hand as she lifted her skirt a bit revealing—a thigh holster. With a fake gun. And a little pouch that she took something out of.

"Is that a _holster_?" Logan asked in shock.

"Of course! What self-respecting outlaw wouldn't have one?"

"So you guys are _outlaws_ ," Logan said, glancing from Camille up to her cousin.

"Didn't the masks give it away?" Jade asked when Logan looked at her, and at hearing her voice he held the gaze for a moment. Greenish-blue eyes, he noticed. Pretty eyes. "And I have a gun, too." She moved her coat to show a hip holster.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Camille burst out, drawing Logan's attention again. "Logan, this is Jade, my cousin! She's in town for the weekend. Jade, this is Logan! One of the guys I was telling you about."

"Nice to meet you," Logan said with a smile, tipping his hat again unconsciously. He felt a little ridiculous when he realized he'd done it, but the smile in Jade's eyes made it more or less okay.

"You too," she said. "Camille's told me a lot about you, and your friends."

"Ha, well, I'd say don't believe it all, but no, it's probably all very true." He nodded.

"Oh no, there's no need to make up stories for you guys," Camille said with a wave of her hand. "Okay Sheriff Logan, here's your badge. I also have an eye patch, since I didn't know which costume you'd pick."

Logan laughed as Camille pinned his badge on his coat. "I don't have to wear that too, do I? Might impede my ability to catch bad guys. Or girls."

"Well, we _are_ here strictly on reconnaissance," Camille said, tilting her head. "So you shouldn't have to worry about arresting us this evening."

Logan cocked an eyebrow at her. "And you expect me to trust the word of an outlaw?"

"We didn't choose this life, you know," Jade said. Logan grinned.

"Actually, we kind of did," Camille added in an accented whisper, and Logan laughed lightly. "Ranches and saloons just don't pay as well. Plus nothing beats the thrill of armed robbery, especially when you're stealin' from men who'd never expect it of you."

"I'll keep an eye on my wallet, then," Logan told them both, still grinning. "Oh hey, Camille, have you seen James? He ran out on us earlier, and I think he came to see you guys?"

"Oh. Yeah." Camille rolled her eyes. "He caught us right when we got to the Palm Woods, but he didn't stay long. But I think I've seen him since we've been here? There are a few pirates so I'm not really sure."

"Heh, James is hard to miss, though," Logan said, good humor mostly gone. "Damn him. If he's off with some girl instead of showing up here…" Logan shook his head and forced a smile. "Anyway. Thanks for coming to the party, you two; I hope you have fun."

Logan started to walk away, but was stopped after a few steps by Camille. "Hey Logan, you're gonna save a dance for me, right?"

He turned back, apprehensive but with a genuine smile. "Sure thing, Camille."

"And one for Jade, too?"

Jade looked down in apparent shock at her cousin. Camille seemed to be grinning.

"Only if she wants one," Logan said.

"Oh, she does," Camille assured him. "Right, Jade?"

"R-right," Jade said, nodding, before facing Logan again. "I do. It'll, um, have to be a slow one, though. I'm not good with the fast dancing."

"Works for me," Logan told her with an easy smile. He wasn't sure if the DJ was planning on any slow songs, but he could put in a request. "See you later, then."


	3. Chapter 3

Meeting Carlos while in costume had been kind of fun for James. Aside from getting slightly upset at Carlos and Kendall both wearing pirate costumes, it was a bit of a thrill seeing his familiar friend treating him like a complete stranger. And making a fool of himself in the process, but as anyone who actually knew Carlos would, James had found it endearing in a weird way.

Meeting Logan, on the other hand, had nearly given James a heart attack.

For one, well. It was _Logan_. The whole reason James was going to all of this trouble. And there was so much riding on the meeting; if Logan recognized him all of his hard work, his sacrifice, his discomfort wearing these clothes, would all be for nothing. (Though there was a tiny part of James that was almost hoping Logan _would_ be able to tell it was him, because the idea of Logan being able to see through any disguise, to see _James_ no matter what, was sort of…romantic?)

Then there was the way Logan was dressed. Camille hadn't said anything to James about Logan's possible costumes, although _obviously_ she had come prepared for two different choices. James thought it was highly unfair of her to keep high-risk information like that to herself, but of course he couldn't _tell_ her that because he'd have to tell her why it was a problem.

It was a problem because Logan was really fucking hot in his sheriff's costume. With his cowboy hat, and his vest and his black slacks and his _boots_ and that long coat, kind of like the one James was wearing but black instead of a dusty tan color. And a hip holster like James's, too, though the gun had been hidden. Unfortunately.

The way Logan was dressed reminded James of their duel a year ago, except Logan was even hotter this time.

Luckily Logan had started talking to Camille as soon as he walked up, giving James time to get over his initial reaction of _Oh fuck it's Logan oh God look how hot he is what if he knows it's me oh shit oh shit oh shit_ fuck _he looks good_ and respond like a relatively normal human being when Logan finally looked at him.

He even did his voice right. Camille had been insisting for like the past week and a half that whenever they were together for their 'rehearsals,' James was only allowed to talk like a girl. He'd gotten pretty damn good at it, if he did say so himself. And even if he didn't, the fact that Logan didn't seem at all weirded out by his voice showed how good he was.

James had another internal freak-out moment when Camille pinned the star to Logan's coat. Because Logan was a _sheriff_ , and James was a _bandit-outlaw-whatever_ , and did they have handcuffs in the Old West? Did they have pat-downs? Camille had seemed to tell Logan they weren't planning any sort of robbery that evening but James was pretty willing to stage a heist if it meant Logan would chase him down and push him up against a wall and rough him up all authoritatively.

…But that was a very unsafe train of thought when James was supposed to be focusing on the Logan in front of him and not the Logan of his fantasies, so he tried to jump back into the conversation by blurting out something that sounded remotely relevant and earning a grin from Logan for it.

And then, and _then_ , Camille had gone and offered James—Jade—up for a dance and wow that was rather suspicious of her, but like hell James was going to turn it down so whatever. Agreeing to it had gotten him something he'd been wanting from Logan for what felt like forever: that crooked, flirty, faintly cocky grin he'd been perfecting ever since they arrived in L.A. and that he used exclusively on girls.

It made _everything_ up to that point—even the pain of getting his damn eyebrows plucked—more than worth it. James was glad he had a bandana over his mouth because he gaped for a second at Logan before grinning like the silly girl he was for the evening, overwhelmed by the butterflies in his stomach and the tingles going down his spine and the general light-headedness he felt at the prospect of getting to spend more time with Logan, and maybe getting some more of those smiles.

——

"Well that went well," Camille said after Logan had walked away.

"It did," James agreed. "I can't believe none of them could tell."

"Oh, you doubt my skills?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Never," James replied solemnly, shaking his head. "But I mean…well, if anyone would be able to tell…"

"Exactly. We've gotten the worst over with. I think you'll be fine with any guy in here. It's the girls we have to watch out for, but you probably aren't here to flirt with them anyway, are you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Camille," James said, hoping he sounded believable.

"Oh sure," she told him with a wink. "Well, dancing with Logan shouldn't be too traumatic, and that'll get you used to it so you can dance with whoever you want after that. You can't hang around me all night, you know."

James let out a silent sigh of relief that Camille hadn't seen _completely_ through him. "Trying to get rid of me already?"

"No, but you should mingle. You've passed the first, and worst, test! Get out there and have some fun, Jade." She winked again, and then stepped away, seeming to melt into the crowd.

After a brief moment of panic that his safety net was running away from him, James realized this was a _good_ thing. It meant he didn't need to come up with an excuse to get away from Camille so he could talk to Logan some more.

But he had to be casual about this. He had to let Logan know he was interested without seeming pushy or like a crazed fangirl or anything. He had to be subtle but amazing. Understated but alluring. He had to let Logan realize he was everything Logan could want; had to be so perfect that it wouldn't matter whether he was a girl or a guy.

This was a lot to live up to, but he was _James Diamond_ , and he had all night to make Logan his.

——

"Hey."

James recognized the voice but had to pretend he didn't, looking up and faking surprise to see Logan standing close by. "Oh, hi," he said with a smile that Logan couldn't even see. "Logan, right?"

"Yeah," Logan answered, smiling back. "Are you all on your own now?"

"Just taking a break." James was sitting—in a very lady-like manner—in one of the chairs he had helped set up along the walls of the room earlier in the day. He'd picked a spot close to Logan in hopes of attracting his attention, and had obviously been successful. While sitting there James had also been dodging glances from some other guys who so obviously wanted to come talk to him, but none of them ever did. The cowards. "You can keep me company if you want…as long as you're not here to arrest me," James added with a wink.

Logan chuckled. "I haven't seen any evidence of criminal behavior yet, but I won't be letting my guard down," he said, expression mock-stern.

"I'll be on my best behavior, Sheriff." James didn't put the suggestive emphasis in the statement he would've liked to, because he was supposed to be easing into this whole seduction thing.

"See that you are." Logan's face broke into a smile before he sat in the chair next to James.

"Did you ever find your friend?" James asked, knowing as he did it was about the stupidest thing he could've done. Plus it made him feel guilty, because although he hadn't technically lied to Logan—he was, after all, hanging out with him at the party—Logan _thought_ that James was being a lying jerk and that sucked. But it was also the only thing he could really reference from their earlier conversation, and showing he'd been listening was good, right?

"No," Logan answered with a distinctive huff. "Jerk. I finally texted him and he hasn't even answered, he's probably—whatever, you don't want to hear about that. Oh, right, um, I know Camille kind of forced you into agreeing to that dance with me, but uh, really, if you don't want to, don't feel obligated or anything."

"Hmm, sounds like _you're_ the one who's trying to get out of it," James said, tilting his head daintily at Logan.

"What! Oh, no, it's nothing like that!" Logan rushed to say, a blush starting to color his face. James grinned; a flustered Logan was always a cute Logan. "No, I'm, I'm looking forward to it, I just…don't want you to feel pressured or anything. I mean, we just met…"

"What better way to get to know someone than with a dance?" James was pretty sure that was an indirect quote from some movie or something, but even if it was he totally had an excuse with being a drama major and all.

"Well, call me old-fashioned," Logan began, and there was that smile again and if James didn't need to keep this stupid—not stupid, never stupid, _cool_ —bandana on he would be kissing Logan right this instant, "but I'm a fan of just talking."

James had to stop a smart-ass remark as it was forming. "Well then, let's 'just talk,'" he said instead. He wasn't really sure how to have a conversation with someone you'd known most of your life while pretending to be meeting them for the first time, but that was one of those things he'd figured he could improvise. Now was the chance to prove that theory.

"Ooookay," Logan said, nodding a little, his cowboy hat bobbing up and down with the movement. James wanted to take it off; as much as he liked the look of it, it blocked Logan's eyes and James didn't like that at all. "So, you said Camille has told you stuff about me and my friends? But I hardly know anything about you. Are you from Connecticut too?"

"Yes," James told him, trying to remember the whole story he and Camille had come up with. "I'm a freshman right now at a local college; drama major."

"Oh, cool! I had heard you liked acting, but I didn't know you were studying it in school. Is that hard?"

"It can be," James admitted. He might not really be a drama major, but he _did_ have acting experience. He was gaining more of it as he spoke. "I'm not as good as Camille is, which is why she's already out here in Hollywood, living her dream."

"Aw, don't be so hard on yourself," Logan said, leaning back to give James a smile. "I'm sure you're great. Plus, there's nothing wrong with going to college before starting your career. Education is important."

James smirked, but his tone was impressed, with a flirty edge. "Says the future doctor."

Logan _beamed_ at that, which was funny because it was something James would have said anyway and not gotten nearly that reaction. Hearing it from a stranger, or maybe hearing it from a _girl_ , apparently turned it into something special for Logan. It made James happy and sad at the same time.

"It doesn't matter _what_ you want to do in life, Jade," Logan said, and James's heart did a funny skipping thing at hearing him use the name, "education is still important."

"That's what my mom says." That was true, too; James's mom did say that. She usually meant 'education in the ways of running a company' but the specifics weren't important. "But that doesn't mean it's not hard. I've always had trouble in school. I don't mind learning things for new roles, that can be kind of fun, but math? Science? No thank you."

"Hey, those are my favorite subjects," Logan said, teasing.

"That figures. Camille said you were a genius."

"Well." And _that_ tone was embarrassment. Which was also new, because with the guys Logan was often the first to mention his intelligence.

"Although," James said, cutting off Logan's stuttering attempts to complete another sentence, "if I actually understood them maybe I would like them better. It's hard to like things that just confuse you."

What the hell was James saying? Admitting how dumb he was was _not_ the way to win Logan over! James wanted to be himself, yeah, but he'd prefer to only show the good parts. Or maybe he should have like, memorized a fucking poem or something so he could recite it and sound smart. What if he could text Camille and—no, he couldn't, because he'd left his phone at her place. It was too risky to have it on him at the party.

"Oh I don't know about _that_ ," Logan said, interrupting James's silent self-berating. When James glanced at him, Logan had a thoughtful look on his face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…there have been things, or…people that confuse me, but I like them anyway. Sometimes a lot."

"What could possibly confuse _you_?" Okay that might have come out a _tad_ more sarcastic than James intended. Logan probably meant _Camille_ or something, and now James was wishing he just hadn't asked.

"A lot of things confuse me, Jade," Logan said, giving James a half-smile. "Math and science are two of the few that don't."

"And that's why you like them so much." James wasn't losing this without a fight.

Logan laughed softly. "Okay, so maybe you have a point there. Hey, do you want something to drink? Or eat? I can go get us some snacks."

"Um—" James stopped himself just in time. He couldn't have anything to eat or drink around Logan, because he had to keep his bandana mask in place. Dammit, and he was thirsty, too. "Not right now? I'm good. Thank you, though."

"Okay, just checking," Logan said with another smile. "So then, how have you been liking—"

_"Hey there party-goers,"_ a voice said, cutting through the music and halting Logan mid-sentence, _"I know we've been keeping things pretty upbeat so far but I had a request from a lovely young lady who said if I didn't do as she asked she had no problems robbing womenfolk, so in the interest of not being held at gunpoint I'm gonna play a slower song for you guys right now. Enjoy it while it lasts!"_

James fought down his laugh so that the only thing that escaped was a light chuckle that he hopefully passed off as feminine. Logan was laughing too, though, so he might not have noticed either way. "Your cousin is a little crazy," he said, shaking his head.

"It runs in the family," James said with pride he didn't have to fake. "I guess that's our cue?"

"Only, um, like I said, only if you want to."

"And I said I did," James told him, standing up to face Logan even knowing how tall it would make him seem. He held out his hand, hoping the fingerless leather glove was doing its job and Logan didn't think his hand looked too manly. Camille had also been making James grow out his nails for the past several weeks, and had filed and painted them that afternoon. (Fake nails, she said, wouldn't have been in-character—not for Jade, but rather for the cowgirl bandit he was dressed as.) He was going to have to remember to take the color off tomorrow. "Dance with me, Logan."

"If you're sure." Logan took James's hand, smiling that damn flirty smile again and James had to restrain himself from pulling Logan all the way in and staring at his eyes and touching his face and—

"I'm sure. Don't worry."

Logan took the lead and James let him, ignoring that nervous feeling he was getting and absolutely refusing to remember the last time he and Logan had danced together and how horrible it had been. Tonight would be better. Well, it would be hard for it to be _worse_ , but James had to make it _better_. He would, too.

 

* * * * *

 

After making the party rounds, saying hi to many of the guests, and finally convincing himself that no, James was _nowhere_ around, Logan had given in and tried to text his liar of a friend. He waited for a reply that never came, and was on his way out of the room to find a quiet place to call and vent his frustration via voice mail when he'd spotted Camille's cousin sitting by herself along a wall.

It had bothered him, her sitting alone like that, and so Logan had thought _Screw James, I'm talking to a pretty girl tonight_ and headed over to say hi.

Logan didn't know what he had been expecting from Jade, but it wasn't what he found. He was, generally speaking, good with girls nowadays; he didn't have Kendall's effortless charm or James's attitude and smoldering good looks, but he definitely ranked way above Carlos in the interacting-with-girls department.

But there was something…different about Jade. Something _easy_ , and not in an insulting dirty way but in a way that made Logan feel like he wasn't even trying to have a nice conversation even though he knew he had to be, because Logan _always_ had to try when he talked to girls.

Less so with Camille, though, so he figured it had something to do with them being related. There was definitely an air of familiarity to Jade, though Logan's initial interactions with Camille had been nothing like this. And his current level of casual, natural camaraderie with Camille was the result of them knowing each other for so long and being through so much, relationship-wise. So it didn't exactly explain what was going on with Jade, unless it was just because she was good with people, and there was that underlying connection to something familiar that made it easier for Logan to relax around her?

Whatever, he was overthinking it. He liked talking to the girl, she was pretty, she seemed to be flirting with him, and she wanted to dance with him. What the hell did he need to worry about? That would just ruin things before they even went anywhere.

Not that they really _could_ go anywhere, since she was only in for the weekend. Although…not to quote Kendall or anything, but there was some sort of opportunity he'd be missing if he didn't make the most of tonight, right?

When Jade stood up to convince Logan to join her on the dance floor, and Logan looked up into those _weirdly_ familiar eyes—which was kind of strange because Camille's eyes were a completely different color, but maybe it was something else that was familiar about them—he realized that even when Kendall wasn't around to give speeches he was still usually right.

——

Logan had been afraid it would be awkward dancing with Jade because of their height difference. That was mainly the reason he had been hesitant; he didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

Okay, okay, so he _also_ didn't want to relive that particular part of prom night any more than necessary, when he'd felt utterly ridiculous dancing with James.

That had mostly been James's fault, though. If he had just _relaxed_ and stopped acting like he hated being there…

There were a lot of things about prom, actually, that Logan preferred to not think about.

Anyway, his fears were unfounded. The only thing slightly awkward about it was their costumes; they were both wearing long coats so it took some adjusting to find comfortable hand placements. And Logan's hat was in the way; it seemed he wasn't the only one who thought so when Jade took it off of him and placed it lightly on her own head. He looked up at her, smiling but surprised.

"I couldn't see you," she said, as they started to move to the music. It wasn't a super-slow song, but it was slow enough that they could talk.

He grinned, although he could feel his face heat up. "And now I can barely see you, between the hat and the bandana."

"Then the disguise is working. Concealing your identity is always important when staging a robbery."

"Oh? Camille said you two weren't working tonight. Gonna tell me your secret plans?"

"Nope, don't think I will," Jade said, something mischievous in what little Logan could see of her expression.

"Oh come on." Logan tried to stay stern but his smile was breaking through. "It's two against one, I don't even get a hint?"

"I think a genius sheriff such as yourself doesn't need one," Jade countered. "But maybe… _maybe_ later I might decide to give you one. We'll see."

Logan ducked his head to grin, momentarily unable to think up a comeback. Instead he focused on the music and the feel of Jade under his hands; how she let him guide them around the floor. And as much as he _didn't_ want to think about James, or prom, he couldn't help but make a comparison. James had been so stiff and jerky, refusing to allow Logan to take the lead but not taking it himself either, so they ended up as two people dancing individually—and poorly—while joined together.

With Jade, though, they were moving _together_ , flowing with the music. Logan wasn't the best dancer, and he got the feeling his partner was way better than she was letting on, since Logan was doing the leading. But he still didn't feel like a screw-up, or an embarrassment. He thought they probably looked pretty good together, and more than that he was really enjoying himself.

"This is fun," Jade said, drawing Logan's eyes back to hers. He couldn't read the expression in them.

"Yeah," he agreed, smiling. Then the DJ was talking again.

_"Okay guys, have fun with that one? Let's pick this party back up now!"_

The music shifted into something faster, and Jade laughed softly. "Well, it was fun while it lasted, at least."

"Maybe they'll play another one later." Logan kept his hold on her hand as they wove back through the crowd of dancers towards where they had been sitting. When they got there, though, their seats weren't available. "Oh, looks like our chairs are taken."

"That's okay, you don't have to keep staying with me," Jade told him. "Isn't this your party? I'm sure you have friends you want to spend some time with."

Logan shrugged. "I've already talked to everyone I needed to talk to." _Except for the one fucking person who isn't here_ , he added silently. _Dammit I have to stop thinking about James._ "Anyway, I see these people all the time, you're only here for the weekend, right? It makes sense to spend time with you while I can—although you know, _you_ could be making all kinds of friends here. You were only obligated to dance with me once, and we have, so…you're free to go, ma'am."

He said the last part in his best official-sheriff voice, and tried to tip his hat but he realized he still wasn't wearing it.

"Missing something?" Jade asked, touching the brim of the hat lightly.

"That's what you were trying to steal all along, wasn't it?" Logan asked with a smile. He was smiling a lot more tonight than he would have thought, given how pissed he should be.

"It wasn't, but it's a nice bonus. I guess you're stuck with me until you can get it back, hmm?"

There was an unmistakable flutter in Logan's chest at those words. "You're missing out, you know. There are tons of people here way more interesting than I am."

"Well, you haven't bored me yet, so I think I'll take my chances," Jade replied, winking.

Logan bit his lip. He was just setting himself up for disappointment, right? Spending more time with Jade had seemed like a great opportunity before but now it was starting to feel like a countdown, and the more he got to know her the worse he would feel when it hit zero. It was smarter to cut his losses now.

"Since our chairs are taken," Logan heard himself say, and when the hell did he even give his voice permission to speak, "want to take a tour of the studio?"

Jade's eyes widened. "We can do that?"

"Who knows," Logan said with a shrug. Maybe he was taking Kendall's advice a little too far. "But we're going to. If you want."

"Hell yeah," she said excitedly, and Logan couldn't help laughing.

"Let's go then." He gripped her hand a little tighter and led her out of the room.

——

Logan had spent so much time at Rocque Records he knew it like the back of his hand. If the back of his hand had secret passages, anyway. The boys had tried to find others after Gustavo showed them the one through his office, but so far they hadn't had any success. If they could only get a hold of some blueprints…

Taking Jade on a clandestine tour of the place, though, was like seeing it in a whole new light. Logan was no longer the 'talent' or the 'dog,' no longer under a watchful eye and relegated to being bossed around and doing as he was told. As much as any of Big Time Rush did as they were told, anyway.

No, now Logan was the guide, the _expert_. Jade hung on every word Logan said as he showed her all of the posters and awards on the walls, then took her to their rehearsal areas. Their actual recording studio he saved for last.

"Do you ever produce your own songs?" Jade asked while Logan was explaining some of the mixing equipment.

"Oh no," Logan said with a laugh. He loved this; having someone's extended attention, having someone listen to him for so long and care about what he was saying. The fact that Jade might be into him certainly didn't hurt things. "Gustavo's too much of a control freak for that. He's only barely been allowing us to help write the second album."

"Well that sucks," Jade said, looking over the controls. "Seems like it could be fun. Do you ever want to?"

"Um…I don't know." Logan blinked. "I've actually not thought much about it before. The other guys might have, though. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if Kendall even has some experience by now. Carlos…would probably think it was cool, but I don't know if he'd want to learn how to do it. James…" Logan let out a bitter little laugh. "Who the hell knows. Either he thinks he's above the production side of things, or he thinks he would be amazing at it and it's a crime no one's allowed him the opportunity yet. There's no way to know for sure."

And now Logan was thinking about James again. _Stop ruining my mood, asshole._

"Have you ever talked to him about it?" Jade asked after a moment, voice quiet. Logan wondered how obvious his anger had been. The last thing he wanted was to take it out on her, or to let James get in the way of this night any more than he already had.

"No. He's never mentioned it, and James isn't exactly quiet about the things he wants, so." Logan shrugged. "I'm guessing he thinks it would be too much work, or just not enough fun to bother with."

"Hmm. Maybe you should ask him sometime? If you want to know, I mean. And after you're done being pissed at him for tonight."

"God, I'm sorry," Logan said, looking at Jade in apology. "I won't mention James again, okay? You're only here for tonight, I don't want to ruin your night with my…issues."

Jade seemed to be hesitating. "Okay," she finally said. "And you're right, I'm only here till tomorrow, so…" She chuckled. "I was going to say let's make it a night to remember, but I think there's already no way I'm going to forget tonight."

"Me either," Logan admitted, smiling again. "Although I do hope by the end of it I'll get to see your whole face, at least?"

"Depends," Jade replied, regarding Logan coolly from under the brim of his own hat. That must have been another Camille expression because it was _so_ familiar. "Think you can earn my trust, Sheriff?"

"You and Camille are a lot alike, aren't you?" Logan blurted out. Jade chuckled again and blinked, and Logan felt like he needed to explain himself. "I mean, with your whole dedication to staying in character, and all."

Just because it wasn't the whole truth didn't mean it was a _lie_.

Jade tilted her head in consideration. "In some ways, I guess. We definitely have the same taste in guys, at least."

Logan's eyes went wide and he felt his face go hot almost instantly. "Oh, um, she uh…told you about us?"

There was that cool look again, but now it was accompanied by an eyebrow raise and did Camille do that, too? Maybe…

"You think I was talking about you?" Jade asked, and Logan wasn't sure what to call that feeling he had now. Not the one deep inside his chest, anyway; on the surface there was embarrassment, shame, disappointment.

Inside, it felt kind of like someone had opened a hole under his heart and let it fall through. Which was too much, too soon, but—

"I, well, I, um, I—" Logan was stuck in a loop, unable to spit out enough different words to form a coherent thought.

"I'm kidding, Logan," Jade said, her eyes going soft as she stepped forward, crowding Logan's personal space. She lifted one gloved hand and cupped his cheek, her fingertips soft against his skin. Wasn't that gesture a little too intimate for someone he'd only known a couple of hours? Wasn't this all just a little surreal?

Although, considering who Jade was related to, Logan should just be glad he wasn't getting slapped. Or kissed.

…Well, maybe that one wouldn't be so bad.

"Of course I meant you," Jade went on, looking Logan straight in the eyes. "And I know…I'm only here for tonight, but I want to make the most of it, and right now…that means spending as much time as I can with you."

Words were still failing Logan. Jade's reassurance had restored the floor under him, let him try to reclaim his footing, but before he'd managed it she'd gone and knocked him off-balance again. It wasn't fair, for some girl he'd met _that night_ to have this effect over him. It wasn't fair at all.

His right hand started rising on its own, and he didn't know what he was planning on; he couldn't honestly be trying to _kiss_ her, could he? So soon? No, that was—

Logan never found out what his hand was about to do because his cell phone text alert interrupted it. _Dammit that had better not be James, not now_ , he thought, as Jade took a step back, dropping her hand.

"Duty calls, Sheriff?" she asked, playful but with a rough sound to her voice.

The laugh Logan attempted was an utter failure, and he fumbled with his phone as he tried to check it. "It's Camille," he said once he could read the display. "She…oh, she put in a song request for us, she wants me to come dance with her."

He looked up at Jade to get her reaction, but she had turned away some and with the hat in the way Logan couldn't see her face well enough to read it. "I do owe her a dance," he said, trying to sound upbeat and casual about it.

"You do," Jade agreed. "We better get back out there, then."

"But after that…I'm all yours, okay?" What the hell was Logan even _saying_?

Jade looked at him then, and something in those blue-green eyes made Logan shudder. Hopefully not enough to be noticed. "I'll hold you to that, Sheriff," she said.


	4. Chapter 4

"You and Jade seem to be hitting it off," Camille said with a raised eyebrow as she and Logan danced. This song was a fast-paced party song, which Logan had been grateful for because he'd been afraid slow-dancing with Camille would be a little awkward.

Especially if she wanted to talk about Jade.

"I don't know, she's a cool girl," Logan said with a shrug. "I feel like I'm hogging her, though; I mean, she's your cousin and she's only in for the weekend, you probably want to spend time with her…"

"No, that's fine, but…okay, so you do realize she's leaving tomorrow, then?"

"Yes, I do." And dammit it had already started; Logan felt a slight pang at the admission. "What's your point?"

"Just that you probably shouldn't get too attached. Connecticut is a really long way from California."

"I appreciate your concern, Camille," Logan told her—and he really did. "But we're just having fun, just hanging out. I'm allowed to make friends with your cousin, aren't I?"

Camille rolled her eyes. "Logan, that wasn't what I meant and you know it. But okay, as long as you know what you're doing. Now c'mon, pop star, you've gotta have some better moves than that!"

Logan laughed and tried to up his dancing game, though without choreography he was pretty much hopeless.

——

"Thought you might not come back," Jade said when Logan found her again after his dance with Camille.

"Couldn't let you get away with my hat," Logan told her with a smirk.

"Hmm, in that case I might just keep it forever. You'd have to follow me back across the country if you really wanted it."

Logan laughed, though there was so much not at all funny about that statement. "But you just said you'll keep it forever, so what good would that do me?"

There was a pause where they just looked at each other. Then Jade said: "You might not get the hat, but you might get me instead."

It took a second for Logan to process that because it was so unbelievable. "Jade…" he said, and his voice sounded strange.

"I'm kidding again, Logan. Does being a genius affect your sense of humor?" She was trying to sound lighthearted but Logan wasn't wholly buying it.

Still, he could play along. "No, but pretty girls do." He wasn't even sure if that was _true_ , but it sounded good and he wasn't going to take the time to do a mental fact-check. It had probably been true at some point, anyway.

Plus it got a great reaction; Jade's eyes went a little wide, and she was silent for a few seconds. Logan decided to keep going.

"Oh, do compliments affect your ability to speak?"

Logan could see a comeback forming, but it still surprised him. "Only if they're said by hot geniuses."

Grinning and blushing like an idiot, Logan caught movement and looked down to see Jade touching the edges of his star badge.

"Wanna dance with me again, lawman?" she asked.

"It would be my pleasure, lady bandit," he answered. And yes, yes this was all very silly but it was fucking _Halloween_ so it was allowed, and Logan was feeling too giddy to care anyway.

"Awesome," Jade said, and even though he couldn't see her mouth Logan thought she was grinning. "Do you want me to request a song or will you?"

"I can," he told her, before adding with a wink: "I am, after all, an officer of the law."

"Plus you have a gun."

"That too," Logan agreed with a laugh. He pulled the right side of his coat back and tucked it behind his gun holster. "Just so she knows," he said to Jade.

"Good call," she agreed. "Also? That's really hot."

Logan turned quickly away as his eyes started to widen, walking briskly towards the DJ booth to try and escape his nerves and the blush heating up his cheeks. At this rate he wasn't sure he was even going to make it through the night.

…He also really didn't know what that thought even meant. 'Make it through'? Make it through _how_? What would _not_ 'making it through' result in?

He stopped thinking about it when he got to the DJ. She was very nice about the whole thing, laughing at his 'This is an official request from the party sheriff' line. And she did agree to play his song next, so he headed back to Jade triumphantly.

"We're up next," he told her.

"My hero," she said, and he couldn't tell how much of it was mocking and how much was flirting. Strangely, he was happy either way.

"Careful, now," Logan said in a completely terrible accent. "Your partner hears you talk like that she might start to think you're switchin' sides on her."

"Well maybe if someone had told me the law looked like you I wouldn't have gone bad to begin with," Jade countered, once again stepping into Logan's space. They were as close now as they had been when they were dancing earlier. "Although," she went on, "maybe not. Kinda like the idea of you catching me doing something I shouldn't."

That sound, Logan realized distantly, was his heart about to beat out of his chest. The DJ's voice was on the speakers again but Logan had no idea what she was saying. He felt Jade grab his wrist and tug him back toward the dance floor and he went willingly, feeling sort of in a daze but wanting the opportunity to touch her again, to be close to her.

And they _were_ close. Fuck, closer this time than before; Jade positioned Logan's hand on her waist _under_ her coat, and slid her own under _his_ coat, to rest on his shoulder. Not long into the song she dropped their hands that had been clasped together, to put Logan's other hand on her waist as well.

Was she trying to give him a hint? Taking a risk (seriously, Kendall would be so proud of him tonight if he only knew), he tightened his grip a little and tugged, and Jade moved even closer to him. That made all sorts of interesting feelings shoot through Logan, and it didn't help matters when Jade's fingertips grazed his cheek again. She was looking him in the eyes now, and yep, Logan definitely wanted to kiss her, but he'd have to move her bandana so he'd have to take a hand off her waist and did he really want to do that?

While he was debating—sort of; he was mostly just staring back at her and trying to remember to sway to the music—Jade moved her hand, lifted it to her head and took the hat off. She put it back on Logan, and he was confused for a second until she leaned down to rest her forehead on his shoulder.

And that _had_ to be awkward for her, right? She was way taller than Logan, but he really really liked that she had done it, even if her hair was tickling his face now. He glanced around and saw that a few people were looking in their direction, and he wasn't surprised. He'd noticed people noticing Jade more than once that night, but no one had approached her while he was with her. Logan was just fine with that.

"People are watching us," he whispered. He didn't really know why; maybe he was just curious to see her reaction.

"Jealous," she whispered back.

Logan grinned, not bothering to clarify who she thought they were jealous of. It didn't really matter.

The song was nearly over—which sucked, Logan wanted to keep doing this all night; maybe he could convince Jade to try a faster song, although…then they couldn't be as close, so maybe they should just…find somewhere quiet to talk, or…whatever—when Logan felt a tap on his unoccupied shoulder.

Part of him, somewhere way back in the far recesses of his brain where such thoughts had been banished, wondered if this was James, finally showing up. But when he looked over he saw that just like with the text, it was Camille.

And she…didn't look happy. Not even a little, and an angry Camille was a scary Camille. "Hey, what's up?" he asked her nervously.

"Oh, I was just wondering if I could borrow my _cousin_ for a moment," she said, and without waiting for a response grabbed Jade's arm and started dragging her away.

"Is everything okay?" Logan called after them, but there was no answer.

So Logan, in the time-honored tradition of all Big Time Rush boys when they wanted to know something and had to find out themselves, decided to spy.

 

* * * * *

 

If someone had asked James how he would describe the night of the party, he would have said something really cheesy like 'magical.' Because that's what it was. He had Logan all to himself; he could flirt with Logan and Logan was flirting back and Logan _liked_ him, James could tell, and everything was just going perfectly.

Better than perfectly, actually. Was that possible? For something to be _better_ than perfect? It felt that way, because as much as he'd wanted it James had never really known for sure if this would work. But Logan thought James—Jade—was awesome, and fun to talk to, and worth flirting with, even without seeing his—her—face. Or most of the rest of him, either, since James was pretty much covered from head to toe. That meant that Logan _did_ like the imperfect-inside James after all, and once this night was over, once James had proven that inside-James could really be just as perfect for Logan as outside-James was for everyone who'd ever looked at him…then maybe that whole being-a-boy thing wouldn't matter so much.

After all, as far as boys went, Logan wasn't going to find anything better than outside-James.

So yeah, the night was magical. Their first dance, for instance, had been amazing. Even if James didn't get to do the fancy dancing he'd practiced with Camille it was okay, because he was dancing with _Logan_. He was making up for prom a hundred times over.

And then when Logan had suggested that tour James had nearly leapt for joy. Roaming around the deserted record studio, just the two of them? When they really weren't supposed to be there at all? Listening to Logan go on and on about _music_ , one of James's favorite subjects in the world? It didn't get any better than that. Not without kissing, anyway.

There was that slight upset about the whole production thing, when James had seen just how pissed Logan was at him for ditching him that evening—which he totally _didn't_ do, technically—and had realized Logan liked to assume things about him without actually asking for confirmation. That wasn't totally cool, but they could work on that.

Anyway, James had managed to turn it around. He'd gotten Logan to nearly kiss him, or at least to nearly want to. Then Camille had ruined the moment, but that might've been for the best because it was still too soon for Logan to know the whole truth.

Watching Logan dance with Camille hadn't even been bad. James loved Camille, tonight more than ever for giving him this chance, and if Logan had always supported their friendship James would have to do the same if the roles were reversed. He could do that.

There was more amazing flirting—seriously, Logan wasn’t bad at that at all when he tried; it was a little surprising and definitely something to add to James's list when he got back home—and James managed to snag himself a _second_ dance, even better than the first one, if that was possible. Having Logan's hands on his waist like that was wonderful, and while leaning on Logan during the dance was a _little_ uncomfortable the closeness was definitely worth it.

Except Camille ruined it again, and this time she ruined it for good.

——

Camille dragged James all the way into the girls' bathroom and shoved the door closed behind them.

" _What_ are you doing, James?" she asked as soon as she let go of his arm.

"Camille!" he hissed, looking around to make sure no one else was in there. It was really really _really_ weird to be in the girls' bathroom. Thankfully, though, it seemed like they were alone.

"You're lucky I brought you in here first instead of doing this in front of Logan! What are you _doing_ with him?" Camille had a scary face on, and James didn't like it being directed at him.

"I'm not doing anything!" James was using his own voice now, and ripped off his bandana so he could argue his point better. Camille had already taken off hers.

"James _Diamond_ do not give me that crap! Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you think I can't see how you've been hanging all over him tonight, how you've barely been out of each other's sights? Did you think I didn't notice you two sneak off together for so long? I wanted you to dance with Logan because I thought it would be easier for you, but you were with him even before that and you've been with him ever since. Was that what this whole thing has been about, James? You wanted my help so you could be a girl to screw with your best friend?"

"I'm not trying to screw with him!" James shouted back, upset at the suggestion.

"Or _screw_ him, whichever!" Oh, Camille was nearly breathing fire now.

"It's not like that!"

"Then what _is_ it like?"

"I _like_ him!"

Camille's face lost only the tiniest edge of scariness. "What? What do you mean you like him? And why are you—I don't understand, James."

He tried to explain, he really did. He tried to tell her that Logan was the only person worth being with and James wanted that to be a mutual thing, so he had to give Logan the chance to think of him the same way. But Camille was still staring at him with that mean, angry face and he was having trouble getting the words out.

"And, and I know that he's your ex and so maybe I should have asked someone else for help but—"

"It's not even about that!" she shouted, cutting him off. "This has nothing to do with me and Logan, though you're right, it doesn't make it better. But no, this has to do with _you_ and me, and _you_ and Logan, and how you've been treating us both like, like…we're just here for _your_ benefit! For your _convenience_! Is that all I am to you, just a stepping stone to getting what you want?!"

She was starting to cry now and he really couldn't handle that, making people cry was the worst and _James_ was the worst but there had to be a way to fix this, right? Everything was finally going right with Logan and he couldn't let everything with Camille fall apart; she was too important to him for that.

"Camille I'm sorry!" he finally blurted out, loud enough to be heard over her continued ranting about how he'd 'used' her.

She stopped yelling, but fresh tears welled up in her eyes. "That's too little too late, James," she said, quietly, and oh _fuck_ that was even worse than the yelling. "I can't believe that you would do this to me. That you would do this to _Logan_. Why couldn't you just _tell_ me? If you like him or whatever why couldn't you just say so? I would have helped you, but not…not like this. Not with this lying, this deceit."

"There was no other way!" James was still being loud but he couldn't help it; the quiet was too scary. "Logan likes _girls_ and I'm not a girl and I had to be a girl so he would like me but if he liked me enough as a girl then he would like me as _me_ too, maybe, and I couldn't tell you, Camille! I couldn't tell you or Logan or anyone because I had to make him want me first, I had to make him see how perfect I was for him so that way I would know! I couldn't tell him if I didn't know."

"Know _what_?"

James shook his head, involuntarily. No, he wouldn't lose his last little shred of dignity by admitting to that. By admitting he was afraid of being shot down by the one person he couldn't afford to be shot down by. That he was so afraid, in fact, that even now the weeks of prep-work, all of the time and effort that went into this disguise, still seemed like a far better alternative to simply telling Logan how he felt. Like such a safer alternative.

"I don't understand," he said instead, "why it was okay before for me to hide who I am tonight but suddenly it isn't, now that you know I want Logan."

"Because, James," Camille said, her voice shaking, "before it was about fun. About losing yourself in a character, about the freedom that comes from being someone else. But now it's about deception and manipulation and trying to trick a nice boy—one of your _best friends_ , James!—into developing feelings for someone who doesn't exist. You're trying to break Logan's heart, and I can't stand for that, and I can't stand that you've made me a part of it."

Tears were still rolling down Camille's cheeks and it felt like tears were about to form in his own eyes as well. This wasn't supposed to _happen_. James wasn't playing 'gain a boyfriend, lose a friend.' He _couldn't_ lose Camille.

"I can't lose you, Camille," he choked out.

He couldn't tell if her face was softening or if she was about to start seriously sobbing. "Honestly James, I think right now you should be more worried about losing Logan." Before he could even ask what that meant she had turned around and stormed out of the bathroom, leaving the door wide open behind her.

On the other side of that open door was Logan. Startled, worried, looking at Camille in concern, before turning to look straight at James.

James, who still wasn't wearing his bandana.

In the second that their eyes met James could feel it: the shock, the pain, the fear. He couldn't tell which were his own feelings and which were Logan's; he just knew he wanted, _needed_ them all to stop. He needed everything to be okay. He needed Logan to tell him it would be.

James barely got out Logan's name before Logan ran away from him, too.


	5. Chapter 5

Unfortunately, Camille and Jade had gone into the girls' bathroom and that was one place Logan couldn't follow them into for spying purposes. He tried waiting right outside the door, but he got some weird looks from a couple of girls as they walked in so he backed up.

As the girls opened the door, though, he heard yelling. _Camille_ yelling, and barely a second later the two girls ran back out, more yelling escaping through the door before they closed it.

Logan wanted to crack the door open and hear the yelling but that was really going too far, so he waited anxiously, straining his ears to see if he could catch even a word here or there. He was still too close to the party, though, and the music made it impossible.

What the hell could Camille be so upset about, anyway? Was it…oh, damn, was it because Jade had been flirting with Camille's ex-boyfriend? Did they have some sort of ex-boyfriend code that had been violated? Logan hated the idea that he'd been a part of it, if that was the case.

…But it didn't exactly make him regret his actions. As long as Jade wasn't crying…or Camille…seriously if Logan had caused girls to cry this evening he was going to hate himself for a very long time. Maybe he could blame it on James somehow.

Or maybe Camille thought Jade was messing with Logan's emotions? She had seemed concerned he would get too attached to her cousin during this short visit, but Logan had _told_ her he understood it was a limited-time-only thing. Jade hadn't done anything wrong, and there was no reason to throw a fit at her over it.

Dammit Logan really wanted to know what they were saying.

He got as close as he dared to the bathroom door, and then he could hear vague yelling sounds. Logan couldn't tell at all what was being said, but the voice was loud and unhappy and…sort of deep, which was weird but was probably just the result of listening through the door or something.

"Hey Logan!" a voice behind him said and Logan jumped about a foot in the air before he realized it was Carlos's voice.

"Dude!" Logan told him, eyes wide. "I'm trying to _listen_ here, a little warning next time!"

"Sorry," Carlos said immediately. "Wait…why are you listening at the girls' bathroom?"

"Because Camille and Jade are in there and they're yelling at each other and I want to know why."

"Oh!" Carlos nodded in understanding. "Okay, that's what I was gonna ask you, if you knew where Camille was. Why are they yelling?"

"No idea," Logan said with a shrug. "Why are you looking for Camille?"

"Oh, well…" Carlos's eyes went wide, giving him a deer-in-the-headlights look. "Um, well, we were like, hanging out, and, and dancing, and stuff, and…she just took off all of a sudden, and I was just wanting to make sure everything was okay."

That made sense. But…wait. "You were dancing with Camille?"

"I didn't do anything wrong!" Carlos shouted. "Kendall was watching to make sure!"

Logan almost laughed at that, but just then the door to the bathroom was thrown open violently and a tear-streaked Camille looked out at them, and Logan felt like shit.

"Camille?" Carlos said, worry overflowing in his voice.

She glanced at Logan for a second before turning and running down the hallway, leaving the door open behind her. Logan heard Carlos shouting for her and maybe he ran after her; Logan was worried, too, but he wanted to check on Jade first.

Except. When Logan looked back through the open door the figure that caught his attention wasn't _Jade_.

Standing there, dressed all up in a wig and a skirt but now without the bandana to cover his face, was the other person occupying Logan's thoughts that evening.

_James_.

Logan's brain worked quickly, as a rule, and even as nothing made sense anymore everything started to fall into place.

This was why James had been gone so much.

This was why he'd left early that day.

This was why he never showed up at the party.

This was why Jade had seemed so familiar.

This was why Logan had felt such a connection to someone he barely knew.

This was why everything had felt so easy and right and perfect.

Because James was a fucking liar.

"Logan—" James started to say, but the rage in Logan's ears was too much, the hurt in his chest was too much, the hot prickling behind his eyes was too much, and like Camille had done moments before Logan turned and ran.

——

Logan got to the stairs with no idea whether James was following him and with no interest in finding out. Right now Logan didn't want to see _anyone_ , least of all that asshole of a so-called best friend.

Because what the fucking hell? Logan understood _what_ had happened, that was simple enough: James had been having some sort of 'girl lessons' or some shit and he'd snuck off earlier to get all dressed up and he came to the party pretending to be Camille's cousin, and had quite soundly fooled—well, Logan, at least.

But _why_? Why the fuck would he go to all that trouble? And why would Camille help him?

Although obviously she was pissed about _something_ , so apparently Logan wasn't the only one James hadn't been truthful with. And since the only thing Jade— _James_ —had done all evening was hang around Logan, it must have had something to do with him.

Logan worked out the possibilities as he raced down the stairs just slow enough to not kill himself. Camille could have been upset, like Logan had sort of thought before, that James was just screwing with Logan's heart. Or head. Or both. Because what the hell sort of best friend secretly dresses up as a chick and spends the night flirting with a guy he's known most of his life?

Was it a dare? No, because who would have dared James to do anything like that? Only Carlos or Kendall. Carlos wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret, and Kendall would have put a stop to it as soon as he saw Logan was getting emotionally invested.

The next possibility made Logan freeze and nearly slide off of the step he was on. What if James had somehow found out? Logan had been so careful the last couple years to hide it, and especially careful the last few months since it got bad…Kendall had never said anything about it and if Kendall didn't suspect then James couldn't either, right? James couldn't possibly know that Logan—

And if he did? Then what, he was trying to rub it in Logan's face? 'Haha, I know you have a thing for me so I'm going to dress up like a girl and be amazing and wonderful and make you think you have a chance with someone you really connect with and then take it all away from you'? That was…that was _too much_ for James, wasn't it?

He wouldn't really do something so _incredibly_ cruel. Not intentionally. He wouldn't. Logan knew James better than that. Right?

Logan started down the stairs again, faster this time as he tried to outrun that option. That didn't leave much to consider, though, because why else would Camille have gotten so mad? Why would she have been crying?

Unless…the other thing. The ex-boyfriend thing. But no, that made no sense either, because Logan knew, Logan had known forever that there was no way James was into him like that. Because James was never quiet about the things he wanted. If he wanted Logan they'd all know about it by now.

And, if James _did_ want him this was about the _stupidest_ way he could've ever gone about making that known.

Whatever, Logan wasn't going to try to figure it out. It didn't really matter, anyway. What mattered was that it had all been a lie, that not only had James bailed on him he'd also tricked him in the worst way imaginable. He'd given Logan what he wanted—what he'd been trying _not_ to want for so long now, because he knew it was something he could never have—and made him believe it was real and it was possible and…

The heat behind Logan's eyes was close to becoming actual tears and he blinked rapidly as he reached the exit of the building. That was the worst part of it, the fact that Jade wasn't even _real_ , that everything they had shared had been fake. It hurt, a _lot_ , and that made Logan feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. It made sense now, of course, why they had gotten along so well, and it stung his heart to know he had gotten a glimpse of what being with James might be like. Of what it never could be like.

Maybe that was the _real_ worst part of it.

Logan was a few yards away from the building when he heard the door open behind him. James's voice, calling his name, was enough to turn all of that hurt, all of the confusion, into sudden and immense fury.

 

* * * * *

 

"Logan!"

It had taken James a few seconds to unfreeze himself from his spot in the bathroom, and another few to retie his bandana. By the time he caught up with Logan they were already outside the building.

"Logan, _wait_! Talk to me!" James grabbed his arm, forcing Logan to spin around.

"I don't want to talk to you!" Logan shouted at him, more anger in his voice than James thought he had ever heard. If Camille had been scary, Logan was downright terrifying.

Once again James took off his bandana, hoping if Logan saw his face he'd reconsider. He also didn't let go of Logan's arm.

"Logan, please—"

"You're a fucking asshole, James," he said, and now his voice was trembling a little. "And take those fucking contacts out."

"Okay," James said, trying to make his tone calming but he was scared and also trembly. "Okay, Logan, but I need both hands and I'm afraid if I let you go you're going to run again."

Logan jerked his arm out of James's grip then, and turned away. "Take them out."

James hesitated a second, but when it looked like Logan wasn't going anywhere he did as he was told. "I'm not very good with these," he admitted, "so it might take me a second…"

"Just don't fucking talk to me until they're out."

With shaking hands taking the contacts out proved to be even more difficult than putting them in had been, and James would very much have liked to ask Logan for help but he was at least smart enough to know that would probably result in a fist to the jaw. Or nose. Or eye. Or other lovely facial feature that James really didn't want marred.

"Okay they're out," he finally said, blinking as his eyes adjusted to being themselves again.

Logan took a step forward, away from James. Just as James reached out to stop him Logan turned back around, his face still so full of anger that James had to take a step back himself.

"When were you going to tell me, James?" Logan asked, not bothering to keep quiet. "Were you going to wait until I tried to feel you up and realized nothing was there?!"

" _No_ , Logan," James said emphatically. "I had a—wait, you try to feel up girls you've just met?"

"No, of course I don't, that was—I'm just trying to figure out how far you were planning to let this go!"

James threw his hands out in either direction. "I had it all worked out!"

" _Did_ you?"

"Yes!"

"Were you going to let me fall for you first, James?" Logan's eyes were narrowed. "Going to wait until after I'd kissed you and asked you if I could come visit you in Connecticut? Then make me feel like a complete idiot?"

James shook his head. "I wouldn't have let you do that! Look, I had it _all worked out_ , okay?"

Yeah, that was actually a total and complete lie. James had _intended_ to come up with a plan but he'd kind of gotten caught up in just being with Logan and flirting and dancing and all of that fun stuff.

"You were going to tell me you liked me," James began, slowly, thinking up something he could pass off as a plan on-the-spot, "and you would _start_ to suggest that we meet up again sometime or _try_ to kiss me but I was going to stop you and tell you how this was all a mistake, I shouldn't have led you on like that, I had just wanted to try _one more time_ to see if I liked boys but no, it wasn't working, and you were such a nice boy and I hated to treat you this way and I _wished_ I could like you, I really did, and there must be something wrong with me, and then _you_ would say no, no, it wasn't my fault, I couldn't help who I was attracted to."

It was at that point that James had the brilliant idea to use this fake plan to get what he was really after—an idea whether Logan could ever want him as himself. "And then you'd say that you understood, that _you_ had been attracted to guys before, and you even had a crush on one of your best friends. And then _I_ would ask why you weren't spending the night with him instead of me."

James took a deep breath, trying to ignore the incredulous look Logan was giving him because he wasn't done yet: "And you would say 'Actually we were _supposed_ to hang out tonight, but as you know he never showed' and I'd say 'Well maybe he has feelings for you too and didn't know how to face you' and you would say 'Yeah right, he probably ran off with some girl as soon as he got here' and I would say 'Well maybe he saw _you_ with some girl and got sad and left' and then you would stop and think about that for a minute and I'd say 'Or maybe he didn't leave, maybe he's been here the whole time and you just haven't been looking hard enough' and I don't know what you would have said to that but eventually you'd take off my mask and you'd know it was me and then you'd kiss me."

Once James was done acting out this entire conversation—and doing a damn fine job of it; seriously he was rocking the improv tonight—he chanced a look at Logan, anxiously awaiting his reaction. James had just about laid all his cards on the table with that one.

Logan was staring blankly at him, and continued to do so for several long seconds. "…Really, James?" he said finally. "You were going to pretend to be _a girl_ going through some sort of sexual identity crisis to get me to talk about my feelings for you?"

James furrowed his eyebrows, instantly coming to his own defense. "Hey it was a _good plan_!" Especially for one he was making up as he went along. While Logan was being all distracting and stuff. Really, James amazed even himself sometimes.

"Yeah except for the part where you _lied_ to me the whole night!"

"I was _in character_! You've never called Camille a liar for playing a part! And it's not my fault you couldn't recognize your own best friend in a skirt!" Logan had shouted and okay maybe James was shouting for no real reason too, but Logan's dismissal of his entire plan hurt. He had thought really hard—and really fast—to come up with that.

Logan sighed. "It was a bad plan, James."

And _that_ sounded like a dismissal of the whole night. Of 'Jade' herself.

"What the fuck ever, Logan," James said, that teary feeling from before starting to come back a little. He didn't like it. "I'm only so clever. I'm not fucking Kendall." In fact, if he had asked for Kendall's help with all of this he'd probably be making out with Logan right now, not being yelled at by him on the street.

"…Well that's good to know."

James stared at Logan for a second, then blinked once. "… _What_?"

"I don't know," Logan said, shaking his head. "It was a joke, just—not a good one. I don't even know why I said that. Trying to lighten the mood or something, I guess."

"Why would you even care if I was fucking Kendall?" James asked, eyebrow raised, hope high in his chest. Had he done it? Had he made Logan want him for real?

Logan didn't say anything; he just looked at the ground.

"You're going to have to use your words, Logan," James prompted. "I'm done trying to write dialogue for you."

"Why do I doubt that?" Logan glanced up, just enough for James to see his eyes under his hat.

The words, the tone, the look: they all conveyed disappointment, disbelief. It was enough to make the hope shrink back down, and when James answered his voice was small and sad. "Because you think I'm a liar?"

"I don't…I don't think you're a _liar_ , James," Logan said with a sigh. "I mean, you kind of _are_ , but…I think mostly you went a little too far to prove a point, and didn't think about how I might get hurt."

"What point was I trying to prove, Logan?" Maybe if Logan knew, maybe there would still be a chance…

Logan shrugged. "I haven't…figured that one out, yet."

"I'll save you the trouble," James told him, heart beating fast. Before Logan could respond or protest James stepped forward, grabbed his face gently with both hands, and kissed him.

This wasn't the way James had wanted to do it. For one, he didn't want to be wearing a wig. But more than that he'd wanted to be sure, first, of Logan's feelings on the matter, but…everything was falling apart and he had one last-ditch effort and one thing James Diamond _did_ know was that he was a fucking amazing kisser.

And for the whole four seconds that Logan kissed him back, James believed that everything was right in his world again. _Better_ than right.

But then Logan pushed James away, roughly. "You have to use your words, James," he said, voice low.

"Like you did when you answered my question?" James was trying to sound—well, anything other than sad, but that's all that came out.

"You owe me."

And maybe James did.

He took a deep breath and let it out in a long, unhappy sigh. Then, for the first time since the beginning of all this, he told the whole truth.

"The _point_ —the point, Logan, is that I want you, and I didn't—I couldn't handle you saying you didn't want me," James said, feeling defeated by the admission. "So, I did this, and I was going to make you want me like _this_ —I was playing a part Logan but I was truthful, as honest as I've ever been in my life, I had to be _real_ for this to mean anything at all."

James wanted to see Logan's reactions, wanted to try to get _some_ sort of positive out of all this. But Logan was looking down again, the brim of his hat hiding everything, so James continued. "And then…if I made you want me, and if you took it back when you found out it was _me_ , then…I don't know. At least I could be indignant about it, I guess. At least I would have an excuse for you not wanting me, at least I would have something to blame, at least I could try to hate you for being so closed-minded and not giving me a chance." James stopped, realizing something as the tears threatened again. "…It was a bad plan, Logan."

"James."

"No, I know, it was stupid, I'm stupid, I should have thought about it more, I just—"

" _James_." Logan looked up finally, looked James in the eye, but James didn't want to see him now. More than that, James didn't want Logan to see _him_. Not when he'd screwed everything up so badly.

"You hate me now, don't you?" he asked, fidgeting, looking everywhere but at Logan. "For trying to trick you. Except I wasn't really, Logan, I just…couldn't think of any other way. Because I'm stupid."

"James you're not stupid." The words were said through a sigh, but with such conviction that it grounded James; made him look back at the boy in front of him. James felt like he was awaiting judgment…which, really, he was. "You just…have a really weird way of thinking sometimes," Logan went on. "How could you ever think I wouldn't want you? You're _James_ fucking _Diamond_. _Everyone_ wants you."

James shook his head, refusing to acknowledge the subtext in that statement. Not after everything he'd been through. "No, everyone has the _potential_ to want me. I do have to _try_ sometimes, and—that's what this was. Me trying. And succeeding, by the way," he couldn't help adding. If nothing else, that part of his plan had worked perfectly.

Except all of the work that had gone into Logan falling for inside-James was now being made totally useless because inside-James might be pretty awesome in some ways but he was still, after all, an idiot.

"You could have just tried _as yourself_ ," Logan said, looking at James with eyes that were sad now more than angry.

James knew he couldn't be hearing that right, though. Logan would never have wanted him as himself, not without some help. "I had a better chance like this," he insisted.

"Yeah, a better chance of making me so pissed at you that it didn't matter either way."

Frustration and panic were starting to rise in James. He had to make Logan _understand_. But how? "I didn't—I wasn't thinking about that, Logan."

"No," Logan agreed, shaking his head slightly. "You were just thinking about _yourself_ , how _you_ would feel getting rejected, how _you_ needed to cushion _yourself_ against the possibility by being someone you aren't. If I didn't fall for you then it wasn't really _you_ so it didn't matter. If I did then you could take all the credit. If things changed when I found out the truth then you could blame it on your gender or on my being a prude or whatever other reason you could come up with to cover up the fact that you didn't trust me enough to just be honest. That you would rather risk hurting me than hurting yourself."

That had been one long accusation, and okay, James didn't have any interest in hurting himself, but that didn't mean—James never wanted to hurt Logan. _Never_.

It just seemed to be a specialty of his.

James blinked, the tears finally starting to break through. They might help his case but he tried to fight them anyway. "Logan, you… _fuck_ , you don't think I'm hurting now?"

Logan looked back at him, steadily. He was too calm now, and like before with Camille it just made everything seem even more serious. "I think it didn't figure into your plan at all," he said. "And that's the issue here, James. Your _intentions_. You _intended_ to end this night either happy with me or full of self-righteous pity without me. Did you think about how _I_ would end this night?"

James whimpered, but his mouth was moving before he could stop it. "…Well I had a few _ideas_."

"I'm sure you did," Logan said, something like disappointment on his face. James was starting to feel like he'd always be a disappointment to Logan. Hell, maybe he always had been. " _If_ your plan succeeded. What if it didn't? Did you think about how I'd feel, even a _little_ bit?"

James managed to take offense to that, and it—along with his barely-contained panic—came through in his voice. "I don't see how it would've mattered! If you didn't want _me_ then you'd just be losing some girl you'd known for a few hours, it shouldn't have been a big deal!"

Logan gaped at him. "Seriously, James? _You_ of all people are telling me that?"

"You're not me, Logan," James shot back, angry whether he had a right to be or not. "You're smart, and logical, and all of those things that I am _not_ and a few hours isn't enough for you to get all attached or whatever to a girl."

And besides, James might get attached quickly but he got unattached just as quickly. None of those girls—or boys—were worth pining over. Logan was the only one.

"It is," Logan said, voice rising in matched anger, "when that _girl_ is actually the best friend I've known since _third grade_ , have been attracted to since halfway through _10th grade_ , and have been desperately fighting a crush on since our _fucking junior prom_!"

For a split-second James thought maybe Logan _had_ hit him after all. It certainly felt like he'd just taken a blow. James didn't know how long he stood there on the sidewalk staring, unseeing. Uncomprehending. However long it took for him to realize he really _was_ still standing upright, on the sidewalk. Solid ground. Beneath his feet.

He had to close his mouth before he could form a thought, and the first one he came up with was not exactly ideal but he said it anyway.

"…Where I was also wearing a dress, I might add."

The second one was _I'm an idiot_ , and yeah, he probably should have held out for that one. The impossibility of this situation was making him even dumber than usual.

Actually, right now James felt about the dumbest he ever had in his life.

Logan stared back, wide-eyed, but rolled with it anyway, and if James hadn't been preoccupied with his own stupidity he would have really appreciated that. "And looked _absolutely nothing_ like a girl, I might add. It wasn't the fucking dress, jerk."

James was in too deep now; might as well keep going. "The tux? It was pretty hot."

"It was," Logan allowed, tilting his head slightly, "but no."

"…What then?" James asked, voice small, hesitant.

Logan gave him an incredulous look. "What the hell have you done tonight to earn an answer to that question?"

"…I established that I'm not fucking Kendall?" James answered with a hopeful shrug.

"Did you?"

Okay, now that Logan mentioned it, maybe not. "I will now. Not fucking Kendall, never have, never wanted to."

"Carlos?"

James shrugged again. "I have no idea if Carlos wants to fuck Kendall."

Logan shook his head quickly. "No, that's not— _you_ and Carlos."

"Oh. No. Just you, Logan," James said, and tried to impart the full meaning of those words as he said them.

"Just me, what?" Logan sounded tired now. "That you want to sleep with?"

"Just you that I _want_ , Logan." How could he make that any clearer? He was making eye contact and everything. "In whatever way you'll let me have you."

Logan was shaking his head again. He didn't seem to be doing it on purpose. "And then what? You move on to the next unsuspecting conquest?"

"' _Conquest_ '?" James repeated, eyebrow cocked. "That's kind of a harsh way to refer to someone you're dating. Even for me."

"Oh so you want to _date_ me now."

James took a short breath and let it out quickly. "I want—all of it, Logan. But I'll take whatever you'll give me."

Logan eyed him, suspiciously. "Why?"

"Lots of reasons," James said with a shrug. "You're hot."

"So are Kendall and Carlos. So are half the people at the Palm Woods, half the people in this _city_. Am I just next on some sort of list or something?"

_List!_ James felt a renewed sense of hope at the thought. _You're a fucking genius, Logan. See, this is why I want you!_

"You kind of _are_ the list, Logan," he said, and even though it was his only option it was still embarrassing as hell to admit this. "I mean, there are _other_ lists, but…you're the only name on the most important one."

"And what's the name of that list?" Logan asked, eyebrow raised doubtfully. "'Best friends I currently want to fuck'?"

"Why would I need a list for that?" There was no reason for James to write down something that could only ever have three names at the most, and only ever would have had one. He kept talking before Logan had the chance to interrupt, wincing in anticipation of telling this particular secret. "It's my 'list of people worth being exclusive for.' And there are other names that have been scratched out, but…yours was the first one written, and it's the only one that's always stayed. It's the only one there now; has been for months."

Logan looked at him curiously, as if he was trying to decide whether to believe him. Like James would make up something so damaging to his image. "…Why, James?"

And really, what James was about to offer was the only proof Logan should need that James was crazy about him. "Do you want to see it?" he asked, somewhere between tentative and earnest. "I wrote down the reasons. It's in my room, I can show it to you…I thought about bringing it tonight but I didn't want you to feel it in my pocket."

That was actually true, but he hadn't intended to bring it to show anyone. He just wanted to have it if there were any new reasons to write down.

Logan sighed a little. "Can't you just tell me what it says?"

James bit his lip. He didn't like feeling embarrassed, and his clothes were not helping his situation. "…I'd really prefer for you to read it yourself. Or at least let me look like me again first."

"Fine," Logan said with a 'whatever' shrug. "Let's go home."

Good idea, except Camille had driven him and James did _not_ want to walk like this. "Um, will you…give me a ride?"

"Yes James, that's what I meant." Logan was sounding more like exhausted now. "Text Kendall and Carlos and tell them we're leaving."

That was also a problem. "I didn't bring my phone."

"Here, use mine," Logan told him as he handed it over. Once James was holding the phone Logan walked away, and James had to text while he followed to make sure Logan didn't decide to just leave without him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!! Also I kind of...made something to go along with this, so there are a couple pictures in this chapter.

Neither one of them said a word on the way home. They walked though the hotel in silence too, James glad that the hallways and public areas were deserted. When they got to the apartment, though, he started to fidget. "Okay, I'm gonna…go change, um, you'll still be here when I get back, right?"

"I'll be in my room," Logan said, almost no emotion in the words at all. "Find me when you're done."

"Logan…"

"Go, James. Do what you need to do."

Logan headed into his and Kendall's bedroom while James went up to his own room. He quickly stripped his costume and pulled on some sweats and a tank top, feeling unbelievably better just from that change—but this wasn't close to over yet. He fished the notepad out from under his mattress, checking to make sure it was the right one before he went back downstairs to the bathroom to wash his face. James wanted to take a shower but he didn't have time, and there was nothing he could do about his nails tonight, so…

…His fucking _nails_. They were a deep, pretty color to match the vest and bandana he'd worn; Camille had done that for him, so patiently. She had done _everything_ for him, and now she hated him as much as Logan did. Probably more. Despite her parting words, James was much more sure of his chances of at least reconciling with Logan than with Camille. How the hell could he ever make this up to her?

But that would have to wait till tomorrow, because tonight James needed to focus on fixing things with Logan. He ran his lucky comb through his hair several times and decided that would have to do. Then he took a deep breath and tried to get mirror-James to give him a pep talk but even his own reflection seemed unhappy with him tonight. James was on his own for this one.

The door to Logan's room wasn't closed when James got to it, so he pushed on it slightly. "…Logan?" There was no answer, but when James looked in the room he saw Logan sitting on his bed, in his own nightclothes now, so James slipped inside and closed the door. Then James saw what Logan was _doing_ on his bed and he felt his heart sink.

Logan was staring down at a globe in front of him, slowly spinning it. James would have had absolutely no idea what the globe even was—he probably would have assumed it was a funky-looking Earth, and thought Logan had just been trying to occupy himself for a minute—except this was all too familiar.

So James knew it was Venus. Earth's brother planet. Galactic fucking best buds who never let each other down.

And of course, also the planet of love.

James would have been terribly proud of himself for remembering all of this if he wasn't feeling so terribly sick to his stomach at the implications.

He kept watching Logan as he tried to figure out where he was supposed to sit. Desk chair? Kendall's bed? Should he just stand there awkwardly? He wanted to grab that stupid globe and throw— _gently move_ it somewhere and then sit on the bed with Logan, but he also didn't want to piss Logan off any more.

In that respect, making a joke was probably not James's smartest move that evening, but it was also so very, very far from his dumbest.

"Where's asteroid James?" he asked as he took a few tentative steps towards Logan's bed.

Logan didn't look up. "Gone. Burned a hole through the heart of the planet and just kept going on its orbit."

"A hit-and-run," James barely managed to respond. His chest hurt and his throat was tight and he was the biggest idiot in the world. No, solar system. Galaxy?

Whole fucking universe.

"And no one saw it coming," Logan continued, his voice soft and still directed at the spinning planet, "because this time the asteroid was hiding behind stardust, and no one could see it for what it was."

James didn't know what heartbreak felt like, not really, but he figured this crushing, tearing feeling in his chest had to be close.

"I'm no astronomy expert," James said, hoping he got the right word, "but aren't asteroids just big, dumb, pretty rocks? Not a lot of intelligence to begin with, and wanting something—like, really, _really_ wanting it—can cloud anyone's judgment."

"Asteroids want things all the time. Why should this be any different?"

"Logan," James said seriously, wanting to be done with this metaphor before he got himself really confused. "Do you remember when we tried to get Carlos a date and you dressed up like an old woman?"

There was no answer but James saw Logan stiffen up a little, his hand on the globe pausing for a second before continuing its spinning.

"Was that okay?" James asked. "Was that _right_?"

"That was different."

"How?"

"Because that girl didn't know Carlos!" Logan shot back, looking up at James at last, more anger in his eyes than the last time James had seen them. It made fear flare up in him again. "We were just trying to show her how good of a guy he is! And _Carlos_ wasn't the one dressed up, he was completely himself!"

"He was," James said a little distantly, remembering how very _Carlos_ he had been and the disaster that had resulted in. Then he snapped back to reality. "What about when you met that new girl when you were dressed up and pretended to be your own grandma?"

James had never heard about that from Logan directly so he was probably embarrassed by the whole thing, which would hopefully work to James's advantage now. Logan was silent again for a moment, emotions James couldn't name flashing over his face.

"I wasn't trying to _seduce_ her in costume," Logan finally said.

That hit James hard, but he pressed on. "But both of those things were still _deceitful_ , right? I mean we were still lying. All of us."

"But we weren't lying _to each other_." Logan's jaw was clenched, teeth barely moving apart as he said it.

"I'm sorry, Logan," James said, realizing as he did it was the first time he had. _Some best friend you are, James_ , he thought to himself. _No wonder he can't see you as boyfriend material_.

James stepped forward, wondering how close he could get before Logan threw a fit or ran away or really did punch him in the jaw. When he reached the bed safely James lightly brushed aside the globe and its stand, then sat with his feet on the floor, sideways, right in front of Logan.

Logan was still staring at him with hard eyes and James reached up to cup his cheek, like he had done earlier in the night with his gloved hand. He wanted Logan to understand that it had been _James_ all along.

"I'm so sorry," he said again, stroking the side of Logan's face with his thumb before he leaned in for a kiss. Logan didn't respond to it and James pulled back, feeling so much constriction in his chest he thought he might have trouble breathing. He pressed the small notebook into Logan's hand. "Here."

Then James stood up and walked towards the door, intending to leave and go back to his own room, to let Logan come find him later if he wanted to, but something stopped him on the way. As nervous as the idea of Logan reading the list made James he had to see Logan's face when he did, had to watch him for any chance that James would ever be forgiven; for any chance that James hadn't thoroughly destroyed the crush Logan had said he had.

So James settled himself on Kendall's bed instead, feet on the floor, leaning forward slightly with his arms across his thighs and hands loosely clasped together, watching and waiting in apprehension.

 

* * * *

 

Part of Logan had wanted to kiss James back. But he knew doing so would have basically been an admission of forgiveness and he couldn't have that. It was bad enough he had returned the kiss on the sidewalk, but he had been caught off-guard and had been thinking about doing that for so long…

If he _kept_ thinking about it, though, he wouldn't be able to stay angry at James and he needed to stay angry at him for this, this… _betrayal_. The anger had already mostly receded by the time they got in the car after leaving the stupid party, but James had managed to bring it back again with that whole 'I'm no worse than you' line of questioning, and Logan intended to keep it.

To be completely honest, Logan's anger had mostly left as soon as James explained his whole 'plan' to him. In doing so James had basically said he liked Logan which at least took away the worst of the possibilities for James's actions that evening and left 'James had a really stupid idea and no one stopped him from enacting it.'

But at the same time, Logan had been pretty sure James was just making that plan up right then so Logan would think he had one all along. It was actually really impressive for a spur-of-the-moment thing—and as much as Logan would not have admitted it if that actually _had_ been James's plan it probably would have worked more or less as he described, minus the kissing part because Logan still would've been really pissed as soon as he found out the truth—but there was something about it that rang false.

It was when James finally told him the _real_ reason he'd dressed up like a girl that it all clicked. James was scared. He wouldn't risk just _telling_ Logan how he felt so he had to hide himself and…it was obvious he had no idea Logan was into him at all, which meant his 'plan' wasn't really his plan because you can't plan to coerce someone into admitting something you don't even think is true.

It sucked that Logan couldn't even enjoy finding out that James did in fact want him because it was wrapped up in this whole mess of a situation. If James had just gone about it in some other, less _completely ridiculous_ way…

And okay, yeah, so maybe Logan didn't have room to talk, about dressing up or any of the rest of it; maybe this whole thing was partly his own fault to begin with. If he had ever been honest with James himself…hell, even if he had ever just tried to subtly impress upon his friend that he was attracted to guys at all, maybe things would have been different. Maybe they would have been at that party _together_.

Logan didn't really know if that would have been a good idea, but for James? He'd be willing to figure out how to make it work.

Or he would have been, at least. Logan wasn't sure what would happen now. What even _could_ happen after all of this. The fact still remained that James had lied, and Logan had gotten hurt.

Logan's hand tightened around the notebook, but still he didn't look at it. He knew James was sitting across the room, watching him, and Logan tried to ignore him but it was hard. He didn't _want_ to look at James, back to himself now, wearing sweatpants and a tank top; dressed for bed, just like Logan was. He didn't want to think about how he had been stupid enough to not recognize James in that costume; how he had been drawn to what he thought was a girl who was at once confident and insecure, who seemed to silently revel in the attention she was getting while keeping her own focused on Logan, who Logan _knew_ had to be pretty even though most of her face was covered.

Maybe somewhere deep in Logan's unconscious mind he had known, or suspected, the truth. Maybe something at the core of him had simply reacted to what made up the core of James, because now that he looked back he really had been with _James_ the entire night. James was being honest when he said he'd been honest the whole time. Everything, all of it…none of it was _not_ James. Thinking about it, the signs were there from the very beginning, Logan had just been too…enamored with Jade, and too pissed at James, to see them.

But that still didn't make it _right_. Right?

Logan finally glanced down at the notebook. He was vaguely surprised it even existed; there had been a chance James was making it up just to keep Logan from yelling at him anymore and to get them both home where…he could try to re-seduce him? Or something. Logan usually thought he was pretty good at figuring out James's brain, but tonight all bets were off.

_And now let's see what he really thinks of me. Well, theoretically anyway._

The first thing that struck Logan was the title on the front of the notebook:

 

[ ](http://pics.livejournal.com/rensahannou/pic/0000bkf5)

  


'JAMES' PEOPLE WORTH GOING X-CLUSIVE 4 ? LIST'

Logan hoped this was an older notebook because 'x-clusive'? Really? Not that James's texts were much better… And James had neglected to mention the question mark at the end of the title. But it made sense; James wasn't exactly the 'relationship type.' All of the reasons in the world might not be enough to make him actually want to be with someone.

Except he had said he wanted to be with Logan. Hadn't he?

Logan flipped open the notebook, expecting to see his name on the first page. But apparently James hadn't been telling the whole truth about that, because it wasn't. He couldn't read the name that was there, scratched out, but it definitely wasn't his own.

"I thought," Logan heard himself saying, and he didn't know if that was bitterness or disappointment in his tone, "you said my name was the first?"

"It was," James said, his voice quiet, subdued. "But I wrote it on the last page."

Logan couldn't help it; he had to look over at James. "Why?"

James shrugged. "I don't really know. It made sense at the time."

"When was that?"

"Just read it, Logan."

Logan turned back to the notebook, and he felt himself getting nervous as he glanced through page after page of marked-out names and lists of reasons with a big 'X' over them. Then there were a lot of blank pages, before he reached the end.

 

[ ](http://pics.livejournal.com/rensahannou/pic/0000cr8z)

 

And Logan wasn't sure what he was expecting, but a page full of so much writing that he couldn't at first focus on anything was definitely not it. His eyes found his name, at the top, written in heavy capital letters, and the first thing under it—marked off by a little drawn diamond—made him gasp.

_'doesn't break a date even when he feels like shit'_

"James…" he said, staring at the page in disbelief. That _couldn't_ be—could it?

"Read all of it. Please."

But Logan couldn't. He had to know. "James, this, this is…you _wrote_ this…" he trailed off, looking up at James for help in finishing that sentence.

"After homecoming," James said, and if he was embarrassed it wasn't showing.

"Our _freshman year_!" Logan managed, completely incapable of processing this.

"We were doubling," James went on. He had been the one to find them dates, of course; it was their first high school dance, and Logan didn't even really know if he wanted to _go_ because he didn't know how to ask anyone to go with him and he would feel stupid going alone, but James had worked everything out. Except…

"I was sick," Logan said.

"You went anyway."

"Your date didn't." So James had ended up dancing with practically every girl there.

"I was not stood up!" James said immediately, and Logan felt his face try to smile in response but he wouldn't let it. "She called me beforehand, she was sick and couldn't go. There was a bug going around!"

"I know. I caught it."

"But you _went anyway_."

And continuing with the night's theme of irony, Logan was now blushing. "It was our first dance, I couldn't _not_ go. Especially after—" _Everything you did_ , Logan thought, but wasn't about to say it out loud. "It wouldn't have been fair to my date," he said instead.

"I know," James replied. "I started the list that night."

"You…James, you're telling me you've had a crush on me since 9th grade?"

James shook his head slightly. "It wasn't a crush, it was…an appreciation?" He met Logan's gaze as he said it and Logan stared back, trying to figure out how he felt about that, as James continued. "I—oh, I remember now. Why I put your name at the end."

"Why?"

"Because you—" James broke the eye contact, looking away. "Because you were going to be the standard."

And now Logan had to figure out how he felt about _that_. "The standard for what?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.

"What to look for in a potential—whatever. Girlfriend, boyfriend. I knew that what I saw in you that night was something I _wanted_ , and so I wrote it down to make sure I remembered." James paused and took a deep, barely audible breath. "And I've been writing down other things ever since, and sometimes I write down new names and reasons for them but then when I compare them to what's under your name I mark them out. Because no one else compares to you, Logan."

Logan looked back down at the list but he was having even more trouble focusing now. This night had been too much, too full of strong and conflicting emotions, and hearing this and trying to read the other things that made Logan James's fucking _standard_ for relationship material was seriously threatening to make him tear up and crying in front of James was _not_ how Logan wanted this night to go.

There were _so many_ things on the list, though.

_'lets me help him with things'_

_'helps me with things too'_

_'makes really good french toast'_

After that there were some things scratched out, but Logan ignored them in favor of the next item he could read. He made a face at it before directing the expression at James. "'Is going to be rich someday'?"

"What, I'm not allowed to think of the future?" James asked with a slight eyebrow-raise. "Besides it's not like I wasn't planning on being rich too. It was more like…you wouldn't use me for my money 'cause you'd have your own."

"Sure it was," Logan said, then continued his reading. His attention was caught by _'looks good shirtless'_ because it was the first time Logan's physical appearance was mentioned. Not the last, though, as it was followed by:

_'arm muscles'_

_'works out - with me - and looks hot doing it'_

That clued Logan in on the timeline a bit; he was up to somewhere before or after the start of 10th grade. Logan had been worried he wasn't pulling his weight in hockey and James had oh-so-kindly offered to 'assist.' It had been sort of fun and mostly painful, but while Logan never took to working out with the same fervor James did he liked the way it made him feel and had kept up with it in his own way; James still dragged him to the gym on occasion but mostly Logan exercised in the comfort and privacy of his own room.

A few more items down the list Logan had to speak up again. "…My teeth?" he asked, eyebrow raised.

"Oh, shit," James said, and Logan looked up to see him full-out blushing, and—what the hell was wrong with this night, that _James_ was blushing over something like having…an _appreciation_ of Logan's teeth? "I, um, thought I'd marked that one out. Not that it stopped being true, or anything, because, um, well, you have nice teeth, Logan, and you know, when you smile, and…sometimes you bite your lip, and…okay you've read enough of them now, right?"

Logan was staring at James in utter disbelief, watching him sort of squirm and fidget and seriously wondering when he had entered upside-down world.

Possibly the weirdest thing about this entire night—and that was fucking _saying something_ —was that James seemed so much _less like himself_ now that he was back in his own normal clothing.

"I'm reading them all, James," Logan told him, and saw a flash of something like fear in those hazel eyes before he went back to the list, and that was what made him realize.

This notebook that Logan was holding in his hands was something deeply personal to James, and he was sharing it with Logan. Probably without thinking much beforehand he had offered it willingly, as penance, as explanation, as the only way he could see to fix what he had done.

And it was _real_ and it was _James_ and it was full of all of the things that made up Logan Mitchell that James Diamond knew he wanted, and all of the things that made up other people who fell short of the mark—the mark set by _Logan_. This was James at his most raw, most unprotected; things he would never have said out loud, things he never intended anyone else to see.

And he had shared it with Logan without having any idea how he would respond to it. Hoping it would be enough to make him understand.

Logan wanted badly to read the rest of the list; the curiosity was burning away in him. But James was right. He had seen enough. So he flipped the notebook closed.

"There's more on the back of the page," James said, voice back to that same subdued tone.

That was enough to make Logan choke up, but he fought back the lump in his throat along with the desire to open the notebook again.

"It was because you let me help you," Logan said, his own tone nearly matching James's.

"What?" James sounded confused.

"Prom," Logan sighed. "You let me help you. You…never needed my help with a date before that. I mean, why would you? But I offered to help you and you let me. And then when things…took a turn for the worse, you wanted my help again. And actually went along with my ridiculous plan."

"…It really wasn't the dress?"

Logan let out a soft chuckle. "No, James. As pretty as you are, that dress was hideous on you." When James made a sort of sad little whimper Logan looked over and saw him pouting. He rolled his eyes. "But not tonight. Tonight you were…beautiful."

"…Really?"

"Yeah," Logan answered, giving a short nod. "I can't explain it, because I couldn't even really see your face, but…" He shrugged.

James gave Logan a ghost of a smile before looking down. "Logan, can I…ask you something?"

"…I guess." It was a little weird that James was requesting permission to ask a question, but whatever.

"Why…I mean, you know I like guys, right? So…why didn't you ever tell me you had a crush on me?" He glanced up tentatively as he finished asking.

Logan sighed. Yeah, that was legitimate…but so was his reason. "I didn't see the point, James. I didn't think you were capable of hiding your feelings for someone. I thought if you wanted me you'd be all over me, and since you weren't I figured you didn't."

James's eyebrows went up a little, and he seemed to be phrasing his response before he spoke. "I don't…go after someone with the intention of losing, Logan, and with you I didn't think there was any way I could win. It was easier not to try."

And why did that hurt? Logan already _knew_ as much, but hearing it flat-out said that the potential return wasn't worth the investment… But of course James didn't mean it that way. He just meant he was a coward.

"I don't see how you thought what you did tonight was going to be anything but difficult."

There was a long, uneasy silence where neither of them looked at the other. James was the one to break it. "I'm sorry I did it, Logan."

"I know." There was no doubt in Logan's mind that James was sorry. "You're going to be, for a long time."

James sighed, sounding defeated. "Yeah."

"Come here," Logan told him, motioning slightly.

James perked up visibly, looking at Logan with interest before he stood and crossed the distance between the beds. When he was within reach Logan held out the notebook.

"You didn't read them all," James said.

"They're not really my business, are they?" Logan replied, and his throat was trying to close up on him again.

"I want them to be." There was no hesitation when James said it, and Logan looked up at him in surprise. "Keep it, okay? Just…keep it. I don't need a list; I haven't for a long time. I know what I want, Logan, even if I'm too stupid to know how to get it. So keep that, and just…remember that no one else has ever compared. Remember that over and over again until you can forgive me. Okay?"

And fuck it all but Logan suddenly couldn't speak, not even a little, and he didn't really know what he was doing as he rose up on his knees and turned, clutching the notebook in one hand as he pulled James down with the other and kissed him hard.

Now James did hesitate, just for a split-second, before he made a little noise and returned the kiss eagerly, hands coming up to cup Logan's face. Logan wasn't thinking at all anymore, just giving in to what he wanted; what they both wanted, but if making himself happy made James happy too then whatever. Logan had had a shitty night and he fucking deserved to be happy.

Logan shoved his tongue forcefully in James's mouth as soon as there was an opening; James made a startled sound followed by a sort of moan, and 'self-control' was the next thing to follow 'ability to think' in the list of 'what James is currently robbing Logan of.'

When exploring James's mouth with his tongue was no longer enough Logan wrapped a hand around the back of James's neck and tugged, shifting back slightly on the bed as he did. A few seconds later and Logan was flat on his back, James a heavy, solid weight on top of him, kissing his lips, his chin, his neck—and not just kissing, sucking and licking and oh _God_ Logan could only hope Kendall and Carlos got home before this got completely out of control.

Logan started to reach his hands up to run along James's back but realized he was still holding the notebook, which brought him back to his senses enough to pant out, "James, this doesn't mean you're forgiven, you know."

James moved back up to kiss him on the mouth, long and soft and before Logan could stop himself he had his free hand tangled in James's hair. "It sure feels like I am," James whispered against his lips. Logan tightened his grip and pulled James away from his mouth, the anger and hurt creeping back into the edges of this sudden lust.

"Hey, ow." James made a face at the force Logan was using, but dropped it when he saw the way Logan was looking at him. "Okay, Logan, okay," he sighed softly, apology showing in his eyes. "I'll be sorry for a long time. And I'll be making it up to you for a long time. But…you have to let me, okay? Please let me make it up to you."

'Ability to say no' would have been added to the list if James hadn't stolen that from Logan years ago. When he released his hold on James he got a smile in return and then James moved in to kiss him again. Logan reached out with the hand gripping the notebook until he found his bedside table and set it there, not wanting it to get messed up, before relaxing into the kiss. James was good at this; better even than Logan had imagined, and as he ran hands up James's sides, across his shoulders and down his back, fingers itching to pull up the hem of his shirt, Logan started to reconsider his position on whether their friends should even bother to come home that night at all.

 

* * * * *

 

Logan always understood things. James had been counting on that, actually.

Somewhere between sucking marks into Logan's neck and tugging Logan's shirt off James made a mental note to start a new list soon. He didn't need a list to know what he wanted, but it wouldn't hurt to make one to remember what he had.

Plus...it might come in handy if he ever screwed up this badly again.

Although really, what were the chances of _that_ happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have trouble reading anything on the list I typed it all out here: <http://rensahannou.tumblr.com/post/15126147364/this-is-the-list-from-chapter-6-of-beautiful>


End file.
